I’m in need of some help/backup here…

I have an issue on my mind that has been bouncing around the conversational walls of the Toddzilla household for a few weeks now.  I need some help with it…actually I need your thoughts and suggestions, dear reader.  I must, however, ask that in order for you to so lovingly and thoughtfully provide you gracious input, you must be of proper age to read a post that includes some graphic wording and references.  I need some help with the proper way to refer to certain parts of anatomy.  So, with that in mind, please in the name of decency do not read this entire post if the mere sight of the words: penis, jimmy, wang, dinky, beans-and-franks, junk, crank, vagina, va-jay-jay, hoo-ha, virgina, virginia, west virginia, west virgina, poonanny, or dolores offend you in any way.  If you can stomach all that, then feel free to read on!  So what is this thing…this “issue” that is rocking the very foundations of my household?  Check it out after the jump (only if you have parental consent)

My wife, she’s a planner.  She looks faaaaar into the future and plans for seemingly every possible event.  Me?  Well I think about things that are coming up, but seldom do I act in a timely manner.  Cheryl, well she acts…and she acts like 6 months in advance!  What future event has my lovely personal Nostradamus foreseen as a possible “issue”?  Well, apparently, someday we will need to discuss….with my now 6-month old daughter….the subject of anatomy.  In other words what do we call the things that make mommy and daddy (as well as all men and women) different (common sense?  rational behavior?  lust for all things Rachael Ray?)…no, penises (penii?) and vaginas (vaginii?).  That’s right, my daughter is 6-months old and we NEED to tackle the issue of what we are going to call her vagina and ipso-facto what she will call it.  Cheryl is staunchly in the camp of calling it a vagina and likewise explaining boys away as having a penis.  Me, on the other hand, well I despise the proper use of “penis” and “vagina”.  It sounds way too bland, blah, and uncolorful.  In other words, unfun.  Or in made up words, unfun.

Allow me to illustrate my point, you see I have always dealt with those particular parts in a somewhat humorous manner.  In other words, I don’t call my junk, a penis…oh no, it’s so much more than that!  A penis is something that you find illustrated in a Grey’s Anatomy book on the lower half of a non-descript dude drawn palms up and staring into space.  See, I’m not that dude.  I’m a fun guy.  I’m a lover.  My loins exude sensuality and close proximity to those aforementioned loins may well cause feelings of euphoria and giddiness.  Now would I ruin that feeling, that exuberance by referring to the strong magnetic source of that joy as a “penis”?  Naw!  You gotta name it something that is befitting of the purpose it serves: Warhammer! (or something like that).  But less specific.  I feel that a penis or vagina should be called something more personable.  Something that doesn’t evoke cold bland anatomy books and speeches by monotone professors.  Let’s look at it this way: suppose you are sitting with a group of friends and that Taco Bell your friend scarfed for lunch just isn’t settling quietly and bang! out comes the gas, in a loud manner and belligerent to the eardrums of those around him.  Do you point and say “wow Joe you flatulated!”  Naw!  You say “dang Joe you farted!”  or dare I say “pooted” *snicker*  (words with a “oo” are funny…well except for “good”…the “oo” sound in “good” is kinda bland, but “poot”, “toot”, “moot”…that’s kinda giggly).  So, if in the course of events a guy takes a shot to the groin, he doesn’t fall to the ground and exclaim “Ow!  I got pinged in my penis!”.  No, he would utter something to the effect of “Dang! my crank got busted up!”

So, am I, a loving, and fun father supposed to, in the course of changing my daughter, say something along the lines of “Let’s wipe your anus and keep that vagina clean”???  That just seems so…so…bland!  It would make a diaper change a lecture and not a time for fun father-daughter discourse.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a flat-earth type.  My child needs to know what a vagina is and what a penis is.  But we ain’t got to call them that everyday!  Do we?  If so, then I suppose we should adopt a ultra-nerdy voice and just call everything by it’s proper name.  Instead of calling Cheryl, I will just call her “wife” and of course we would expect Little Layla to call her “mother”.  I wouldn’t be called “daddy” by her sweet angelic voice, no I would be “father”…in flat monotone.  I can hear it now…”Excuse me, father…my feces-retaining device is full, would you be so kind as to cleanse my anus and vagina then replace my feces-retaining device so that I may frolic once more?”  To which I would blandly reply: “Of course Child.  Allow me to procure my sanitation devices so that I may be of assistance in your time of defecation”.  Oh what a wonderful and colorful household that would be!  Yeah, I know she won’t have that vocabulary while she’s still in diapers but geez!  bear with me.

So, the question before you dear readers…the thing that you must weigh in all your wisdom, should we constantly refer to things as Penis and Vagina or can we have just a lil fun with the occasional “hoo-ha”, “poonanny”, “jimmy”, and “dinky”?  Is that so wrong?  Should I sentence my child to a life of rigid, starchy “vagina-dom” or laid-back fun a la “vah-jay-jay”?  Also, feel free to give us some suggestions for other educational, yet fun ways to refer to the things God has trusted us with.

Speaking of which, I can assure you of one thing,  the first person with a penis that comes by to express interest in my daughter will be met with a speech that outlines in no uncertain terms my full and complete intent on separating him from my daughter at the threat of separating him from the aforementioned penis.

Let me know how you feel…