Posted by: toddzilla | August 11, 2008

Master-T’s Theatre: The Freestyle French

During the lovely and talented Mrs. Toddzilla’s pregnancy, she was taken by strange and strong urges…ureges for things that those of us with normal hormones would not understand.  Desires so dark and lascivious, that had they become known, would surely be condemned as salacious and indecent.  One of those strange desires was a yearning for corn on the cob.  So strong was this desire that my lovely wife dreamed of it…was seduced by it.  This antagonist, Monsieur Corn, has since sought to use his wiles against her weakened defenses…but to no avail.  Monsieur Corn has spent months in rejected silence…seeking solace for his unrequited efforts to seduce the love of his life.  He has found a new joy…the love of his native land…France and its efforts upon the world stage of the Olympics!  Let us peek in and see how our dastardly, yet lovable paramour is doing…

Monsieur Corn- Ah-shan-tay!  I love zee Oleempics!  Zee comraderie, zee show, zee fi-airworks and zee competeetion!  I love zee Oleempics so much that I am for to showing up in zee stands in my, how u say, Speedos, no?  Oui!  They are so comfortable, yet I am for to being depressed as I have no pocket for my car keys.  Oh well, C’est la vie!  These last several months have been zee deefeecult for moi as I have seen zee love of moi life have zee child of a boorish American slob!  Now she is taken with zee beautiful lil tot…and has no time for a loveeng Frenchman like moiself.  But enough of moi past…I am here to support zee greatest nation on zee Earth…France!  Vive l’France! 

I am for to watcheeng moi fellow Frenchmen as they are about to “smash” zee peeg Americans and their sweemeeng team!  Aw-haw-haw!  To call them a seemeeng team is for to make a, how you say, joke, no?  Look at them…stretching and flexing about…zee Americans take thees too seriously, they have no chance!  Now my countrymen…they know how to be enjoyeeng zee world stage.  <looks over at the French team in Speedos smoking cigarettes and sipping wine poolside>

See there!  That is how you enjoy zee Oleempics!  Spread zee French cultaire!  Show zee world what they meess by, well, by not being zee French like moi! <stands and cheers> Vive L’France!  Oh moi! Moi kernels seem to have come loose from moi Speedo, no?   How embarasseeng! <looks around and sees the crowd staring>  I see you ladeez know a good, um how you say, “set” when you see them, no?  Aw-haw-haw!!  Shall I be to putteeng them back in or do you wish them to stay out so they can, how you say, breath, no? No…Oh, I shall be to putteeng theem back een then.  There, no play today kernels….

Ah! zee race, she begins!  Vive L’France!  Lafeyette! Lafayette! Sweem!  Sweem for your country!  Haw Haw!  Look at zee peeg Americans with their cute lil outfeets that look so uncomfortable.  Wow!  How do zee “leetle Americans” breathe in that tight outfeet?  Hee hee…Know what I mean?  I made zee funny!  Look zee peegs are a full body length behind zee geatest country in zee Earth!  Vive L’France!  Vive L’ Jerry Lewis!  You peeg Americans are for to about to be tasteeng zee foul crepes of defeat, no?  Zee French will be to smashing you just like we predeected!  Oui!  Sweem!  Smash zee Americans!

<watches the U.S. catch up and pass…winning the freestyle relay>

What!?!?! I am for to being appalled!  Thees ees reegged!  Thees competeetion ees reegged!  Zee Americans are to haveeng zee PED’s no?  Peess in zee cup!  Make them for to peess in zee cup!  Now!  Cheatairs!  Cheatairs!  They have defiled zee Oleempic games much like they have defiled zee world with their boorish ways!  Thees….Thees ees l’traveste! <stands and stops long enough to put his kernels back in…then storms out>



  1. I tagged you!

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