Posted by: toddzilla | April 29, 2008

For Sarah…with squalor

Sarah…you are the epitome of selflessness, a veritable angel and Ed has got himself a catch.  Ed’s a cool guy too and, in fact, I think I’m a little gay for him, but oh well.  Sure, this here blog serves as a means to spew forth the tripe that rolls around my head and to pass along the happenings and goings-on in the Pleasuredome that is casa de Todd, but that is all secondary to its primary purpose…and that is to make each and every reader feel awwwwwwwkward!  On this week of your upcoming wedding, I want to offer advice and delve deep into the chasm of sagacity which occupies the…um…chasm between my ears.  So, with that in mind, here are some nuggets o’ wisdom for you along with some pictures!  Check it out after the jump…Oh, this post does contain some verbiage and themes that may not be acceptable for children or small animals, please use discretion (wait, you wouldn’t even read this blog at any time if you had any discretion)…

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Posted by: toddzilla | April 25, 2008

A Eulogy for my youth

I have spent the last two weeks in serious and contemplative study of the virtues of various new vehicles.  My lovely little daughter being so slight in stature, commands relatively copious amounts of accoutrement and quite frankly our little Ford Focus can’t handle it all (nor can my back).  As you may be wondering, no doubt with an intense look of terror, yes, a mini-van is up there in the running.  Alas, I am young no more.  Therefore, I include for you a eulogy for my own youth.

Friends, Southerners, Countrymen…Lend me your ears.  We come not to praise my youth, but to bury it like so many discarded hole-y socks.  Life is beautiful, like my daughter’s eyes.  Life is wonderful, like my wife’s care for me.  But life is different.  It no longer has summer days when school was an afterthought and my main concern was how to enjoy the carefree day without getting bored.  They have been replaced with days that are fraught with thoughts of the next upcoming life event.  Days though free they may be, that are still tempered with the ever-present “Monday” back in the grind.  Where certain dreams just cannot be attained anymore (rock guitar god?  not happening), yet these narrowing horizons are expanded by the new things in life that at certain times, I frankly did not think were possible.  I was a late bloomer, getting married at 29 and at times I wondered if I would find that special someone and I wondered if my dream of a family would come true.  It has, and life is wonderful.  But my youth is dead.  Forgive my rambling as I review, as the blues classic denotes, “the things that I used to do”.

No longer can I wake up early on Saturdays to re-enact the Normandy D-Day invasion with my G.I. Joes.  I can’t spread the entire living room floor with Legos anymore (my child may pick them up).  I wonder what else in my house represents a choking hazard (other than NCSU and the Cubs).  I can’t leave dishes in the sink until they change colors.  Spring cleaning is no longer the ONLY cleaning.  Vienna sausages with a cereal chaser must wait until I’m left alone for a night.  My shirt tail should really be tucked in more often…really.  I have to, like “groom” myself more.  Not just to obtain a higher standard, but because there are more areas that need grooming.  I can’t roam through the woods anymore entertained by my imagination and the crumple of leaves under my feet.  I feel the need to carry a cell phone with me because someone may really need me.  The bank is in my wallet for 30 years!  30 years!  I have a wallet!  The decisions I make now have longer living ramifications and they affect others whom I would gladly take a beating and a bullet for.  Barbara Walters is starting to look good to me.  I understand the time-value of money and relish said understanding.  I’ve used a rotary phone…I have one in my house.  I was sore the day after bowling on the Wii.  I remember being hyped about the release of the original Mario Brothers.  I pay attention when my blood pressure is taken and shake my head in approval at a good number.  I know what a good blood pressure number should be.  I look forward to coffee and a newspaper…My youth…has ceased to be.

You may be asking yourself how in the heck am I supposed to understand this rambling, disjointed crap-like post?  “What killed your youth?”  The answer is simple…It was when I heard myself say “Let’s upgrade to the EX package, those power sliding doors are niiiiiice!”

Posted by: toddzilla | April 15, 2008

More household drama…

Who is responsible for updating this blog!?!?!  Geez!  Sorry about the lack of posts lately, but I’ve been watching Squidbillies steadily busy with my immense household duties now that I have two wonderful ladies that depend on me (one of those dependencies is even noted on my tax return!  If it’s in an IRS form, then it’s gospel daggumit!).  Back to the drama…You see, my lovely wife, in a fit of gambling rage loving gamesmanship, challenged moi to a wildly vicious and tortuously fiendish friendly wager on who would win the march tournament of college basketball athletics (no not the women’s layup-a-thon tournament).  No drama there, just good ol’ fashioned team-picking with a friendly wager.  The issue arose when it came time to pay up.

After batting around the stakes we decided on these:  If I lost, then I would have to prepare Cheryl a dinner not consisting of mac and cheese or tacos and if Cheryl lost, then she would grant me two taco/chicken fajita dinner coupons to be redeemed at any time with a reasonable time period granted between submission and fruition due to a possible need for groceries.  The taco coupons are nice, but nowhere near my initial wager that involved a Wonder Woman costume, a ceiling fan, mayonnaise, and a rake, but we can’t have everything now can we (unless you’re my wife, then you do, indeed, have everything…especially an humble spouse).

I, of course won the friendly competition and you would not believe the extent to which my wife is willing to go to avoid paying up!!! (extra exclamation points added for emphasis)!!!!!!!!  Soon after the wager was determined, our precious little Layla had a doctor’s appointment and the itchy red rash that the poor thing has on her stomach may well be due to a milk allergy and Cheryl has to cut dairy from her diet (which she is doing willingly and lovingly) ipso facto I must curtail my dairy as well in a show of inhuman support…Therefore…Todd can’t have no tacos!!!  Ain’t that some shiiiii….ahem.

So, there you have it.  I won fair and square and have been denied my prize!  I fancy myself a simple man, not one wanton for vast, superfluous luxuries.  Gold, Diamonds, Lexii, socks that match my trousers, I can do without those things.  There are things much more worth my time, like my family, friends, and you my dear readers who fit nicely into both categories…but can’t a man have some dang tacos?  It ain’t much to ask for, yet it is enough to make one use coarse language like “ain’t” in order to, in a somewhat Faulknerian way (you like that? I made that up) emphasize the angst in my gullet, the desire in my palate to ascertain that which I fought hard for.  For what is a man if he hath not love?  What is a taco if it hath not cheese?  In the immortal words of Slim Pickens…”I am dee-pressed”.

 

Posted by: toddzilla | March 6, 2008

I need your help…to prove my wife wrong

I would like to fancy myself an humble man but humility, by its very nature, prevents me from actually saying so (I’ll let that spin around in your head for a bit)…Okay, back to biz-ness.  I was challenged this week by my wife to quit scratching my butt and sniffing my fingers justify my recent birthday present request.  So please indulge me dear reader and listen to my plight, if you will…after the jump!  (I feel like those FOX gameshow hosts that leave you hanging when they ask one of their ridiculous drawn out questions).

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Posted by: toddzilla | February 26, 2008

Some more LOLBaby for ya’

Yeah, I’m mailing it in on this post…just a lil’.  Enjoy Some baby pics and of course, there are more after the jump!

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Posted by: toddzilla | February 21, 2008

There’s no joy in ‘Pack-land

Life is hard on the streets for a Packfan…

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Posted by: toddzilla | February 18, 2008

Some Late Valentine’s Day Knowledge

Valentine’s Day was last week (duh), and I’m a little late with this (like I was late in wishing my wife Happy Hallmark-Makes-More-Money Day), but I’m gonna drop some knowledge for the single male readers of this here blog…Me being like Billy Dee Williams in that we both “know what the ladies like”.  So here is my sage advice on first dates: how to make an impression that will last forever…even if it is false.

Check it out…if you dare… Read More…

Posted by: toddzilla | February 15, 2008

Valentine’s Day? Naw…it was Pitchers & Catchers day!

At least it was P&C day for some teams including the Cubbies and that makes a darn good lead-in for some baseball talk.  So here’s some roundup type of blog action:

First up…Ryan Dempster has already ruined the Cubs season.  What else can I say.

Click on “more” if you want to read more boring baseball stuff…

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Posted by: toddzilla | February 11, 2008

LOL Baby

I’m doing something that has never been done on the interwebs before…I’m taking pictures and putting off the wall statements with poor spelling and grammar in a slightly humorous fashion!  For kicks, I’m calling this phenomenom…LOLBabeez!  Totally original!  Click on the thumbnails to check ’em out…

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Posted by: toddzilla | February 8, 2008

The Very Best of Toddzilla

You may want to sit down for this one (well all of you people who like to walk around with a laptop or stand up to read a desktop or whatever you crazy folks do)  Are you sitting?  This here blog has had over 20,000 hits!?!  Can you believe that this site has been viewed and possibly even…GASP… read over 20,000 times?  Most of those were people looking for pictures of Linda Carter and Daisy Duke, but I’m gonna count them anyway.  Well, I thought that since you have been kind enough to come here so often that I owe you a token of my appreciation in a VH1 kinda way.  So here it is…to celebrate my 20,000 hits, I present for your enjoyment…

The Very Best of Toddzilla~

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…Thanks for 20,00 hits!

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