Posted by: toddzilla | April 29, 2008

For Sarah…with squalor

Sarah…you are the epitome of selflessness, a veritable angel and Ed has got himself a catch.  Ed’s a cool guy too and, in fact, I think I’m a little gay for him, but oh well.  Sure, this here blog serves as a means to spew forth the tripe that rolls around my head and to pass along the happenings and goings-on in the Pleasuredome that is casa de Todd, but that is all secondary to its primary purpose…and that is to make each and every reader feel awwwwwwwkward!  On this week of your upcoming wedding, I want to offer advice and delve deep into the chasm of sagacity which occupies the…um…chasm between my ears.  So, with that in mind, here are some nuggets o’ wisdom for you along with some pictures!  Check it out after the jump…Oh, this post does contain some verbiage and themes that may not be acceptable for children or small animals, please use discretion (wait, you wouldn’t even read this blog at any time if you had any discretion)…

 A lil’ birdie told me that you’re having one of them lingerie par-tays soon (they would be so much more fun if guys were invited too).  I insisted that Cheryl buy you something downright trashy, slutty, and dare I say it, skanky…Did she take me along to help her pick it out???  You will just have to find out for yourself.  But the party gave me an idea for a blog, so I’m passing this onto you. 

You see, Ed…is a man…and all men have a threshold (I think you know what I mean).  Once crossed there is no going back.  Either the man dawdles far from said threshold (say when he’s thinking about Janet Reno’s on-base percentage and batting average) or he’s waaaaay over the threshold (like when I’m thinking about Rachael Ray cooking waffles in a tubetop).  So I have included some accessories for the bacon-flavored edible thong tasteful lingerie that my wife got you.  Let’s say that you just passed a firestation with all the hot sweaty firemenseseseseses washing the truck shirtless on the way home from work and you’re…y’know…feeling it.  Kinda in the mood.  But you get home and Ed’s on the couch grab-assing and sniffing his fingers (what? it happens) with the remote in his hand and he’s watching bass fishing.  How are you, his loving wife, going to gently persuade him into the same mindset of fiery passion flirty mischief?  Simply hold up the following picture while wearing any one of the gifts you receive at your party

Now, let’s suppose that on his way home from work, Ed happens to pass by the local All-girls college field hockey practice, bullriding, and bikini carwash fundraiser and he is feeling rather randy by the time he gets home…But he bursts through the door to find Sarah in a floor-length house coat filing her nails and watching some Lifetime movie featuring Valerie Bertinelli trying to recover her kidnapped, um…kids from her ex-husband dirtbag/typical male while parrying lascivious attempts by a opportunistic dirtbag/typical male and finding herself falling in love with Grey’s Anatomy’s Dr. Mc”get-the-hell-off-my-TV”my.  What will our protagonist do!?!?!?  Well, just give her a glimpse of this:

 

Putty in your hands my friend.

And Sarah, you may find yourself in a courageous mood and slip on the little (and I do mean little) present that we obtained for you (hint: the very small part goes in the back and you need D-batteries…four of them oh, and do try your best to get the dangly things to swing in the same direction…it just looks better) and when you do…Ed may not be able to contain himself , especially if he’s been watching Giada on food network and she’s been stirring stuff…MMMMM Giada stirring.  Anyway…suppose Ed’s mind is awash with jiggling Italians Italian food combined with sweaty college girls with big sticks and bikini clad auto-detailers and he is just too wound up for his own good…Well, here is the stop button should Ed become too amorous:

So that’s that.  I’m tapped out as far as passing along wisdom goes except for my super-secret highly volatile for men’s ears only advice that I will give Ed if he wants to know it.  There is NO way I can give it out on the interwebs.  The battle of the sexes would be lost!

So here’s to two of the greatest folks ever.  We all wish you the very best and look forward to sharing in your very special day.  I am so glad that I have been able to tastefully extend to you, our highest regards to your union!

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Responses

  1. Sarah,
    I’m so sorry for this post! Now you know where my husband’s mind is most of the time 🙂 We do love you both and wish you a wonderful wedding and many blissful times thereafter, starting after the reception! 🙂
    We’ll see you soon! And don’t worry batteries are not required for your gift.

  2. Oh dear Lord! I’m really sorry I’m going to miss the fun this weekend. Just this blog alone would make it worth seeing the expression on Ed and Sarah’s faces if someone mention “Colts” or “Steelers” Saturday.

  3. “We’ll see you soon! And don’t worry batteries are not required for your gift.”

    That’s right! I forgot that it’s solar-powered!

    Environmental freakiness…that’s what I’m about.

    Green Feen
    Helio-Feelio
    Enviro-Perspiro

    You get the picture.

  4. WOW. The blog. The party…. I need therapy. And some tylenol… y sides hurt from laughing so much! those mommas put the pastor wives to shame! well barely. but unlike some people (TODD) I won’t divulge any more details. Yes pictures were taken but they WILL NOT BE SHARED!!!

    on a side note, Todd I met Phyllis this week and we decided that Cheryl will work at our place next year and we will complete a trinity sort of working relationship. Yes we talked about you. In length.

  5. Yes, Shannon, the Colts and Steelers WERE mentioned Saturday – in the wedding ceremony, no less!! Ask Greg for details – it was GREAT!!

    Awesome blog, Todd – you’ve outdone yourself – except when you post pictures of the beautiful Layla!

  6. Okay… I’ll respond! Thank you, Todd, for the kind tribute to Ed and I. We appreciate your help and advice… I actually have some pictures from the party, but all details will remain a mystery to those who were not in attendance. Ed and I thank you for your gift (no batteries were required, thank God!).

    We love you, Todd!

    Sarah Smail (my new name, woo hoo!! I’m a wife now!!)

  7. Todd,
    I would never, ever speak of you “at length” with an new found Todd/Cheryl friend at Scroggs…..well, I didn’t bill that time anyways. You are having WAY too much fun on this blog! Oh, and Layla is beautiful…a beautiful little Toddlene…see, that pic of you in the dress is coming true!!!!

  8. Phyllis,

    I was trying to make him paranoid!! Thanks for the discount!

    Todd, we need a new post.


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