Posted by: toddzilla | March 6, 2008

I need your help…to prove my wife wrong

I would like to fancy myself an humble man but humility, by its very nature, prevents me from actually saying so (I’ll let that spin around in your head for a bit)…Okay, back to biz-ness.  I was challenged this week by my wife to quit scratching my butt and sniffing my fingers justify my recent birthday present request.  So please indulge me dear reader and listen to my plight, if you will…after the jump!  (I feel like those FOX gameshow hosts that leave you hanging when they ask one of their ridiculous drawn out questions).

When Cheryl asked me what I would like for my upcoming birthday, I responded with the same thing that I asked for (albeit somewhat belated) for Christmas…a friggin’ Nerf sniper rifle!  Did you check that link out?  Isn’t that mofo sweet?  Why oh WHY didn’t they have that stuff when I was a kid!?!  I played with sticks and broken glass for goodness sakes…and I was happy!  Anyway, upon hearing my response to her question, Cheryl responded…nay…scoffed(!) that I didn’t need a kick-butt Nerf Sniper rifle for my birthday and that I was too old to ask for something so Sweety McAwesome juvenile.  Her question, one that she specifically asked me to put before you, my friends, is whether or not she should allow (note: words written in italics should be read with extreme derision and sarcasm) me to have such a fine killing machine.  (There are websites dedicated to modifying these things with extra springs, brass tubing, and wire trigger mechanisms!) Her main initial concern, granted a valid one, was that I would…GASP…shoot her with it.  I’m not a monster!  I quickly pointed out that our house was full of inanimate objects lording over areas of our house like Central American dictators that needed to be taken out to preserve democracy and prevent  the spread of communism into our guest bedroom (little 15 inch TV….I’m talking to you and your Sandinista horde).

Now, let me give you some background on Cheryl’s typical wishlists for birthdays and Christmas etc.  This year, my beloved, in a fit of uncontrolled fervent hedonism, asked for a mini muffin tin.  Having no consideration for the Christian background of the holiday she asked for a mini muffin tin!  Have you no shame woman!?!  That’s not all…a few years ago, she asked for…dare I type it…a cake carrier.  Swoon!  I, being a loving husband got it for her and received a less than stellar response to my endeavor to provide what she asked for.  Apparently,  other people are supposed to get her what she asks for and I’m supposed to get something else but that’s another matter entirely.  By this logic, I suppose that I am to ask for something practical for my birthday, like underwear, socks, a nosehair trimmer, bikini wax, and so on.  Y’know, stuff that when I need it…I get it.  i don’t wait around until a holiday to ask for it.

I aim to fight this (and household inanimate object dictatorships)!  I want what I want and what I want is a long-distance bringer of foam dart death/serious wounding.  Why the heck can’t I get what I want for a change?  Sure, I got that Treo and Lefty Taylor, but those were necessities!  Cheryl has gotten all and I mean ALL that she wanted from me…companionship, a ring, a house, a baby, sweet sweet lovin’…why can’t I get the tools required to keep our house safe from that smug lamp on the end table?  I don’t ask for much from my loving wife: a little attention, a shoulder to lean on, a hot meal on the table when I get home from a hard day’s work.  All I want now, is a little perk.  Would you deny that from a loving husband and father?

I ask you dear reader, weigh in please.  Bestow upon us your vast knowledge and wisdom…your abundant and gracious understanding.  Should I be able to ascertain a kick-butt Nerf sniper rifle to defend my household from picture frames or should I give up the essence of humanity, my own freedom to choose, and allow myself to be burdened with socks for my birthday?  Shall I be denied freedom?  The right to live with my own choices?  Am I not a man?  If you cut me, do I not bleed?  Dear people…do I not have a right to request an object of fun?  Has it come to this?  Have mercy on me dear reader, have mercy on a man whose goal in life is to protect his loved ones from the ravages of the trinkets on the fireplace mantle…Please drop your knowledge in the comments.

Godspeed dear readers….Godspeed!



  1. I’ll allow it. I mean tomorrow is my birthday and if I had my way I would request a nice little iPod, since I’m the last human to not to own one. I don’t need one, but I would like to have one.

    Get on your with your bad self and request the toy. Cheryl let him have it …. if you may.

  2. In my opinion, you are too old for a NERF sniper rifle. However, as we read this post, Ed is begging me to open the link so he can see the rifle. I think, if the rifle can be argued as protection from inanimate objects, then you may have a valid point. Good luck, Todd, and Happy Birthday!

  3. I think that there is no question that you need, nay I say even, require with absolute certainty said instrument of judgment and entertainment. This is no toy, this is a means by which you can make important decisions about your life. For instance, let’s say you can’t decide what to wear that day, let the Nerf gun decide. Just aim it and blame it. Let’s say you have nothing to do at night. Cheryl can set up a sniper range throughout the house using Layla’s stuffed animals. Hide them behind furniture, hang them from book shelves, obscure them to really put your sniper skills to the test. Then after this virile display, Cheryl will be so overwhelmed that we will soon be having baby shower number 2.

  4. Doesn’t anyone fear for my safety????

  5. How good of a shot are you Todd? I mean a stray bullet could hit your beautiful daughter. Then again the thing can go 35 feet, I mean you could hit your neighbors with that thing. It sounds pretty cool to me. Sorry, Cheryl I think it sounds pretty cool, I think you should get it for him, and if he hits you maybe you can claim disability and never have to go back to work. It really could work out for everyone.

  6. Cheryl,

    You could get one too and just have a good ole time.

    (By the way, Todd, I want one now.)

  7. Wow…it’s like Dewey vs. Truman in here! The score now is:


    Oh and yeah! Shannon, Ed, Greg, you guys are welcome to procure the foam dart propulsion device of your choice and we could start a revolution! YippeeKieYayyyy Melonfarmers!

    Oh, and Heidi…am I a good shot? Psst! Please. I have a cute three-month old bit of proof of that! HEY-YO! One shot, one kill? Nah…One shot, big thrill! Yah feel me? (was that too much info?)

  8. Perhaps Cheryl is concerned that most of your time would be spent playing with the rifle and less time changing diapers, telling her how beautiful she is, etc. The NERF rifle would consume all of Greg’s time here at the Arthur household! I am on the fence about the purchase.

  9. Gretchen…

    Perhaps I could sway you by quoting (somewhat accurately) Patton…

    “You may ask yourselves why would I need a Nerf sniper rifle? Well, when you reach your hand in the big pile of goo that a moment before used to be the face of your favorite teddy bear…well then you’ll know what to do…get a dang Nerf sniper rifle! The object of war is not to die for your living room, but to make the other SOB inanimate object die for his.”

    That’s a direct quote. Patton’s foresight was amazing, well except for the “American will never lose a war” thing, but that’s another issue.

    So, can I put you in the “for” column?

  10. Cheryl’s right. The End.

  11. I think the Patton quote put me into the against column.

  12. How does that put you in the against column?

    I so want one before I get down to Chapel Hill in April.

  13. Gretchen-

    Could you be persuaded if I mentioned how much I would enjoy the lovely shimmering twinkle of Cheryl’s smiling eyes?….as I line up the crosshairs slowly…on the candlestick just over her shoulder…the one in the menacing position spouting communist propaganda as it seeks to strike mightily at the heart of the freewill of man…in my living room?


    Awwww c’mon! Cheryl’s not ALWAYS right.

  14. I think that Cheryl should get you one and herself one. I mean how fun would that be to have fight with those things. I totally want to play when I come to visit. Sorry Cheryl, it really does seem like too much fun and I think you may actually want one too.

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