Posted by: toddzilla | February 18, 2008

Some Late Valentine’s Day Knowledge

Valentine’s Day was last week (duh), and I’m a little late with this (like I was late in wishing my wife Happy Hallmark-Makes-More-Money Day), but I’m gonna drop some knowledge for the single male readers of this here blog…Me being like Billy Dee Williams in that we both “know what the ladies like”.  So here is my sage advice on first dates: how to make an impression that will last forever…even if it is false.

Check it out…if you dare…

First dates are, of course, your opportunity to make your first impression.  Granted, that first impression is often screwed up by the fact that you wore a black belt with brown shoes or you didn’t wear black without the blue (flaky shoulders…), or you smell, or you have your lunch stuck in your teeth…whatever it may be.  I can’t give you that kind of advice and thank goodness that I can’t come and help you dress yourself prior to, but if your date is the least bit polite, she will look past your ear hair and still hang out, if nothing more than to score a free meal.  This is where Toddzilla’s magic first date  hoodoo comes into play.

Ask yourself, what do gals like to do?  Why they like to yammer on and on and on…mostly about themselves or their girlfriends or that one chick at work that’s out to get them.  Well at this point in your fledgling relationship, she doesn’t know you well enough to tell you how her girlfriend goes two weeks without shaving her legs and it would take far too long to explain the intricacies of her office politics to blab on about that girl in accounting.  So, this leaves you with having to hear about her. 

Now, you don’t have to listen to her yammer on about herself…you could commit first date hari-kari and…gasp…talk about yourself, but do you really think she wants to know about your baseball card collection?  This is the time you apply the ol’ ears-to-mouth ratio and listen lots and speak little.  I know, I know…this means you will actually have to pay attnetion to her so you can ask prompting questions to keep delving deeper (this changes when you get married.  At that point you just nod and barely pay attention to get her to a stopping point so you can concentrate on remembering the colors of the lions in the old Voltron cartoon).  With that in mind, do NOT pick any restaurant with televisions.  I can tell you from experience that TVs showing Bruce Lee movies do not make attentive pandering possible.  So you must listen and pick up on key points to ask about between well placed conspicuous head nods.  Ask short, innocuous questions to keep her going, so as to avoid the dreaded “awkward silence”.  Start your questions with certain key words that may reference earlier parts of the conversation like “Interesting, I didn’t know that” or “Hmmm, I see where you’re coming from” or “Really?, how old were you when discovered that green beans aren’t always the same shade of green?”.  Yes, this means you have to pay attention to pick up cues for further questions.  It’s only one date, so it can be done.  She will love the fact that you “care” about her background and are sure to be concerned with her feelings and whatnot (this will be remedied in a later stage of dating called the “bait and switch” you are in the early stages of the “bait” phase right now).

Now, there may come a time when she will ask you a question about yourself.  Give short, noncommittal answers and try your absolute best not to mention your affinity for farting the opening bars of Sly and the Family Stone songs.  You will come out as a shining example of a listening male and she will have no clue that you plan on going to Clown College in the fall!  Now that’s a win-win!

Now go forth armed with this new knowledge into the once intimidation world of dating leaving behind your old, familiar world of integrity and righteousness!  Cuz’ you know you gotz ta score with tha ladies!



  1. How about this: If I go on a date anytime soon … we’ll somehow figured this out, I think we could do this with Skype and a good ear piece, where you are listening in to the conversation and giving me word prompts like a good head coach into the ear of a quarterback.

  2. “She wants the surf n’ turf?!? Quick, line up in the power shotgun with one setback and run an end around out the bathroom window!…On two, Break!”

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