Posted by: toddzilla | January 30, 2008

Outnumbered and Outgunned…

…Which is perilously close to the title of a great Walter Mosley book (Always Outnumbered, Always Outgunned).  Unlike one Socrates Fortlow, however, I do not have “rock-crushing” hands, just resistance-crushing beauty.  Enough about me, let’s get into the real reason you’re here, to find out about the kid.  Well, she’s exploring now (at least that’s the term my wife uses for the fact that Layla is grabbing stuff).  We place her in her jungle-land play…um…thingie that has…uh…stuff hanging down and lights and thingies (I’m not very good at explaining toys apparently).  It does have a giraffe, a toucan, and a parrot…oh and an elephant rattle thingie.  So, Layla lays down and kicks the elephant rattle with her feet and grabs a set of links that are dangling down and swings them around until she eventually “mouths” them.  “Mouth” not being a noun, but a verb in this case according to my motor-skill trained wife.  I guess using “mouth” as a verb is much quicker than saying “putting it in her mouth”…those lazy therapists (y’know therapist is one of those words that you REALLY have to try hard to make it sound plural…therapist sounds too much like therapists, so I end up saying something like “therapistssseesssshhh”).  So, yeah, my kid is “mouthing” stuff.  The kicker is…she’s favoring her left hand in doing so!  She grabs with her left hand, she rubs her eye with her left hand and the other night she found her ear and yanked…I meanYanked(!) her left ear until she made herself cry.  Of course, sadistic daddy got a laugh out of that.  Silly girl.  That is the latest with her and now, selfishly, here’s the latest with me…after the jumpie-poo…

I realized this morning that I am, alas, outnumbered and outgunned.  Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely enthralled with my little girl!  I am wrapped around her tiny finger and her eyes make my heart melt…I picked her up out of her crib this morning (I always hope each morning that she wakes up while I’m getting ready so that I can hold her and see her once more before I leave) and handed her to her mother for breakfast time and, well, when I picked her up she just kinda looked at me, but when I handed her to Cheryl she smiled.  yeah, I’m a little jealous.  I’m happy that she’s smiling and recognizing the people that love her.  I watched my girls for a bit before I left and driving in to work I was reminded that…well I’ve lost my opportunity to have a penis majority in my house.  You see, I grew up in a house with my mom and dad and one older brother…3 guys and 1 gal means…a penis majority in the house.  This ensured that the TV was controlled by a y-chromosome enhanced being so that we didn’t watch crap like Grey’s Anatomy (or the 80’s version of Grey’s Anatomy, whatever that would be).  Instead we got Hee Haw and Pink Panther cartoons…suh-weet!  Now?  Not so much.  My utopia has been changed.  Now I am saddled with the possibility of being the serf in a penis minority.

What does this mean exactly?  Well, Cheryl and Layla may well collude in order to ensure that they own the remote rights…that we have tea-parties, dance recitals, barbie dolls laying around, and GASP tupperware/body lotion/jewelry parties!  This alternately means less sports, A-Team, Bugs Bunny, Legos, and bikini girl calendars.

What’s the strategy for the newly formed peasant class of Toddzilla-land?  Divide and Conquer!  Maybe, with proper execution, I can wean Layla away from certain aspects of her mother’s influence and at least salvage some sort of pseudo male/female coexistence in the household (without turning Layla into too much of a tomboy or a middle linebacker).  Pitchers and catchers report February 13th, so a good dose of Sportscenter and hot stove reporting may be the best early strategy.  Then comes the legos/building block toys, playing catch, and finally buying Cubs gear!  Oh wait, I would be setting her up for a lifetime of disappointment…oh yeah, she has me for a father, so she had better used to that.  Go Cubbies and NCSU!  Who needs self-assurance or smug smack talk?

I know you’re probably aghast at the number of times I mentioned “penis” in this post, but it is better than the alternative while maintaining some semblance of squalid humor.  It is ironic though, because I have told Cheryl that I will not teach my kid to use terms like “penis” or “vagina” to describe…well you know.  That just sounds too uptight.  In my house….we will use terms like “dinky” and “hoo-ha” or “jimmy” and “va-jay-jay”.  Much better.



  1. Todd, you just crack me up. I wish I could claim you as a blood-cousin! Anyhow, remember the wife’s b-day coming up and be REALLY GOOD to her!!!!

  2. Todd,

    I was wondering, as I was writing a paper, how the gang were doing. I can see very well. I still haven’t seen my niece. I’m hoping sometime next month once classes for the spring start.

    However, if you are feeling lonely with the remote control rights just remember until the writers come off strike, there ain’t much worth watching. Unless, that is, you get excited to hear Jim Nantz on commercials saying, “A Traditional Unlike Any Other … The Masters on CBS.” Then, you have a problem.

    I think I have a problem.

  3. wow.

    Hey Todd, Cheryl told me she and Layla are going shopping for shoes next week. So Layla will also need the belt, the handbag, the hat, the scarf, do you see where I’m going?

    Keep talking about a penis majority and see where you get…

  4. if i remember correctly you always win the remote control war. i think now Cheryl may have more of a fighting chance.

  5. I am trying my best to hold off the advancing wife and maintain remote control dominance, but she is gaining a recruit…unless I can win her heart and mind!

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