Posted by: toddzilla | January 3, 2008

Mission Implausible

The following post is veritable cornucopia of things better left unsaid…But that ain’t never stopped me before!  Neither has poor grammar for that matter.  On to the tripe: 

Well, my integrity is shot now.  I am a man whose word means nothing.  I used to pride myself on my word being my bond, but alas, that is no more.  You see, when I  married my lovely and talented wife, Cheryl, I made sure, she knew how I felt about a few things and  I told her up front that there were some things that, as a man, I could not…nay would not do.  You see, we had an agreement on a few, seemingly minor, yet very crucial things.  For instance, Cheryl knows that if Linda Carter happens to cross my path, that I have an open opportunity to put the mack on.  That’s just a given.  Cheryl also holds a deep understanding of the fact that I refuse to watch musicals unless said musicals are Willie Wonka or the Blues Brothers.  Also, I have full and total approval of any and all attempts to throw away any of my underwear, no matter how torn, tattered, holey, or revealing they may be.  Broken-in underwear is like mannah to me.

Do you wanna know how my integrity crumbled like Oklahoma in a bowl game?  Click on the ol’ “more”

These things I hold dear, but the one tenet we discussed that was written in stone…immovable…unwavering, was my complete and total refusal to ever…ever purchase feminine products for her on my own.  Who came up with the term feminine protection anyway?  What is that, a pink gun?  But anyway, yeah, I was never, under any circumstances going to go to the store of my own fruition and by myself with the intent of purchasing said feminine products.

I am no longer a man of my word.  We got home from the hospital with our little one and I was instructed to purchase (single men…avert your eyes!!!) Kotex maxi-pads….regular.  Once the confusion left my face (how the heck can something be maxi AND regular?) off to Target I went.  Fortunately, I had some groceries that I needed to buy as well, so I had a few things to hide the ahem…”items” behind.  I got my groceries and roamed the store looking for the feminine aisle.  Normally, I don’t curse on this blog, but I’d be damned before I asked somebody where the maxi-pads were!  About 10 minutes later, I finally found them (near the condoms mind you…why didn’t they just put the hemmorhoid cream and home enema kits in that “aisle of the damned” as well?). 

I told myself that we need to do this with military precision.  So I did the first pass through…maxi pads?  Check.  Kotex brand?  Unconfirmed.  Change course to the nearby picture aisle and roam innocently then make another pass through.  Second pass through…Kotex brand?  Check!  White packaging, bottom right.  Maxi?  Unconfirmed.  Let’s inconspicuously stroll over to the Wreath aisle and peruse them until a window of opportunity arrives to make another pass through.  Is that lady gone?  Check, resume third pass.  Are the Kotex maxi?  Um…I think so, I’m just not sure…Oh crap, I’m gonna hafta pick one of these things up!  Permission to abort!?  Permission denied.  Picking up package.  What the?  It says maxi, but is it regular?  Is anybody around?  Anybody looking?  No?  Okay read the package.  Okay there are 5 dots on this package…3 of which are red.  What in hell’s bathroom does that mean?  Do 3 out of 5 dots recommend this brand?  Quick!  Put it down and roam around some…

Okay, let’s see, I’m in the office supply aisle and doing feminine protection math/logic.  3 out of 5 is 60% which may be construed as a median value for maxi-pad effectiveness.  Therefore, median may be deduced to be similar to “regular”.  I think I will go with that assumption.  Making another pass to procure said Kotex…  Wings?  Oh snap!  she said something about wings…Did she say she wanted them or not?  It’s a 50/50 shot, I’m just gonna grab this one before security starts following me.  Now, let’s conveniently place it behind these diapers here in the ol’ basket and head for the shortest line with a female clerk.  I can’t possibly buy this from a dude.  That’s just embarassing.  Okay, let’s make sure she sees my wedding band (like I always do around the ladies…to let them know they missed the Todd train much to their chagrin) so she knows I’m a married man and obviously emasculated tasked with purchasing these things.  Whew!  She looks pretty complacent…just trying to make it through the ol’ shift.  Sweet!  Let’s put that bag in the back (why can’t Target use opaque plastic bags!?!).

Done and done!  Operation “Save Some Face” complete!

Oh, the things I do for my girls.  Did I get the correct thing?  Heck and yes!  I know what time it is!



  1. Impressive! 🙂 I think all men have that rule in the beginning. My husband did too but he has since changed his mind. (Or rather, I changed it for him.)

  2. Todd, this is only the first of many things you will now have to do that you swore you never would. Wait until you are wearing a tutu and playing ballet or changing baby doll clothes, or wearing women’s shoes. (Oh wait I think I have shared too much!) The joy of your ladies is that you will grow to appreciate it all. All of it except 3 out or 5 dot maxi shopping.

  3. Todd,

    I change my opinion. Buying a breast pillow is not the most awkward thing you can buy. Buying maxi pads wins the race …. by a long shot. A long, long, long, long shot.

  4. Todd,

    I change my opinion. Buying a breast pillow is not the most awkward thing you can buy. Buying maxi pads wins the race …. by a long shot. A long, long, long, long shot.

  5. oh todd, you make me laugh! I enjoy your blog so much.

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