Posted by: toddzilla | November 14, 2007

Another edition of…”How did they get here?”

WordPress features a neat little tool that allows me to see what search terms people have typed in to get to this blog.  Aside from feeling sorry for these folks that have stumbled into the stupid area of the intergoogle, I am compelled to offer some assistance.  Now a fair bit of warning…some wording in this post is not for the squeamish, we here at SMBFDC do not hold punches and in order to properly address the issues, we must toe the line of decency.  The following are a few search terms used to get here and some help that I have for that reader:

“Why doesn’t men care/love”- This one concerns me because this search got them to this blog.  So I suppose I come off to the Google gods as an uncaring/unloving man (with less than desirable grammar).  I think this is a perception issue because men care and men love…it’s just what they care about and love and how they show it.  Men’s cares may be overly simplified with a few categories.  They care about food, sex/boobs, farting, sports/Sci-Fi, and Ego/Companionship.  Allow me to break it down.  Food-I love tacos.  I mean it’s ungodly how much I love tacos, in fact, my wife told me that we are having tacos this very night and my endorphins have been going crazy all day!  Men want food and anything that provides food is more desirous to us…should I go so far as to say…more sensuous?  Sex/boobs-This should be pretty self-explanatory, but men love sex and boobs.  We care about sex and boobs.  I have written one post with the word “breast” in the title and my hits went through the roof!  Farting-I enjoy a good fart.  In fact, it warms my heart whenever I am able to solicit a reaction from my wife in response to a well-timed toot.  It completes me.  Sports/Sci-Fi-  Men either like sports or sci-fi and sometimes both (no, loving both doesn’t make you more of a man, just a renaissance man).  We love our teams and we draw lines about our favorite universe.  Ego/Companionship-Our egos are so very fragile and we need some form of companionship to stroke that ego, be it good friends or a special lady (that indulges us with the occasional taco dish and overdone consternation at the imminent expulsion of said dish in gaseous form).  So in summation, men DO care/love…just not about the stuff that you care about.

Not enough for ya?  Click on “more” for…um…more…

Baby clamps on my nipple after a feed- Wow! that’s gotta hurt!  Well, there may be one of two things going on here, either Junior isn’t taking the entire aureola (borealis) into its mouth or the lil fella is having separation issues (all men have boob separation issues).  Prior to allowing Junior to latch on be sure to put your thumb and forefinger BEHIND your entire aureola and waiting patiently for Junior to open wide, preferably with its tongue curled and on the bottom lip (this may take several tries but anything is better than a clamped nipple-and subsequent bloody nipple, Yikes!).  If done properly, your nipple (the part that you can hang trinkets on) should be deep into Junior’s throat (past his/her gums).  Hopefully, that will prevent said clamping.  If Junior is clamping or if he doesn’t take the entire aureola in, then just gently slide your finger into his/her mouth at the side and gently pull them off and give it another go!

Jesus Rocks- yes he does.  If Jesus were in a rock band, who would he most likely be (and don’t give me that Bono mess…that’s played…try something new).  My vote?  John Entwistle (The Who).  Laid back in the cut…steady and unassuming, but getting the job done!

“Rachel Ray Baseball”- I was recently and politely informed that I have been spelling Rachael’s name incorrectly and apparently, I’m not the only one.  Hmmm, let’s see Rachael Ray Baseball.  This can only mean that someone is earnestly seeking how to describe Rachael Ray’s beauty in baseball terms.  Ummm….”Inside the park home run”  In order for one of these to happen, several things must align.  So in order for Rachael Ray to happen a plethora of wonderful things must converge upon one lovely frame…Food, Food prep skills, expeditious food prep, personality, tight shirts, and a magical cabinet that always has everything she needs for a 30-minute meal…no more, no less!

Accent sap theory- Uhhh…Certain accents make people sound like saps, but you can’t judge them by that.  I sound like Gomer Pyle, but that doesn’t mean I, um…I can’t calculate…umm…Okay, maybe I’m not the best example.  But just because somebody may sound like a hick, doesn’t make it so.  How’s that for a theory?

And finally…

Things to do when you’re stoned alone- There are few search terms that just make all my efforts of blogging worthwhile.  This is one time that I feel that I have connected with a kindred spirit.  I have always wondered what to do when I’m stoned and alone (I’ve never been stoned).  I would suggest kicking an anthill and watching them run…that would be trippy!  Then watch old black and white movies and giggle.  I honestly don’t know…I would suggest not getting stoned, then maybe you wouldn’t be alone.

Well that’s another post under the ol’ belt and boy did it have copious amounts of the word “boob”?  Now that’s what I call a good post!  Any advice on these pressing issues put forth here?  Drop some knowledge in the comments!

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Responses

  1. just stumbled upon this, thanks to that handy little randomizer arrow in the corner on wordpress… not a crazy google search. but i was happy with what i found. have a good evening.


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