Posted by: toddzilla | October 17, 2007

They feed us too? Is there anything breasts can’t do???

Mature Warning-The following post is intended for mature audiences only as it contains scientific and medical terminology that may not be appropriate for all readers.  In order to fulfill one of the new missions of this blog (to educate men about the wonders and joys of pregnancy) and to best describe my experience in a breastfeeding class, it will be necessary for me to use mature terminology such as breast, mammary, aureola, aurora borealis, boobs, boobie, boo-bay, boo-bays, milkers, ta-tas, jugs, breashesheshes, chesticles, rib muffins, sweater puppies, manucknucks, bazoombas, purple mountains majesty, fruited plain, rockets red glare, apple pie, boulders, motorboat, and nipples.  Please exercise your discretion in choosing whether or not to continue reading… 

If you want to keep reading…then click on “more” ya’ perv!

Bear with me…this is a loooong post… 

Wow!  This pregnancy thing is such a learning experience!  Not only are breasts fun, but they are life-giving taps of baby nourishment!  Who’da thunk it?  So, like I mentioned earlier, I had to go to a breastfeeding class (against my will, I might add,  after I found out that there would be no “show-and-tell” segment).  Fortunately there were other guys there (one of which was sporting sneakers with two velcro straps!  I mean I haven’t seen those since I was in elementary school and I have never seen them on an adult under the age of 65.  We used to be all cool and stuff and rock ’em with the two velcro straps crossed in an “X” just to be different.  Yeh, that’s how I rolled back in elementary school comin’ off da’ streets of B-Town…Eastside!).  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, boobs.  Baby comes out and some glands kick in based on hormonal fedback and the next thing you know, you have colostrum (which sounds really nourishing and nasty) .  A few more hormonal signals and eventually you get milk.  That’s what I’m talking about!  I mean the price of milk is skyrocketing and they said the body produces enough milk to meet demand, so I figure, I will just hook Cheryl up to the pump a few extra times a day and we won’t need to buy milk at the grocery store!  Big money!  Got cereal?  Well just walk up to momma and “express” (that’s a fancy term for the act of milking) some into the ol’ bowl there and you got fresh milk for your Fruit Loops!  You can even freeze the stuff for like 4-6 months!  I am so gonna get some of those special trays and popsicle sticks and make my own milk-pops!  What’s even better…the flavor changes based on what Cheryl eats!!!  So I could have taco milk-pops, chili milk-pops, fruity milk-pops, brunswick stew milk-pops…the possibilities are yummily endless (I just made up the word “yummily”, but don’t it sound cool?)!

But back to business here, mainly keeping our kid nourished.  Guys, this is the time of sacrifice.  You see, all these women spout off about how they have to suffer during this pregnancy and all this discomfort for nine months and intense labor pains…yadda yadda yadda…but in all this, our sacrifices as blue-blooded men are overlooked.  When you have reached this stage, gentlemen, the boobs are gone for you now.  They are a distant memory of happier, playful times.  Now, much like our own nipples, boobs are just decoration.  You can lookie, but you can no touchie.  The painful irony about all this is…this is the time that the boobs are at their biggest!  Oh, maternal irony, you are indeed a cruel mistress!

I would often tell others that if I had boobs, I would never leave the house.  But, my thoughts on that have changed because if I had boobs, then I would be required to wake up every 2 to 3 hours of the night to feed Junior.  Compound that with the possibility of…gird yourselves for this one…cracked and bloody nipples (Ow!), and, no, I’m not as big on the idea of having boobs myself.

Okay, to the class, boobs have milk and you feed the baby with them.  The thing is you HAVE to take the time to make sure that baby has a good grip on, not just the nipple, but the entire aurora borealis!  Junior needs to make “fish lips” with their tongue on the lower lip then you clamp the kid down on the entire nipple.  Not taking the time to do this may result in the painfully aforementioned bloody nipples.  So, I took this from the kid’s perspective and it’s just cruel!  The kid’s all ready for some warm bosom juice and they’re rooting and lapping…looking up…oh boy!  There’s a boob!  It’s happy hour!  Mom’s got it all squeezed (with her thumb up top and forefinger beneath, both a good distance away from the aureola) and she’s aiming it at me…Here we go!…Then what does momma do?  She slaps the thing all over the kids lips up and down like a motorboat then pulls the nipple away!  All the kid wants is food and here you are giving it a booby-to-lip slap job.  Yes, you have to do this until the kid makes the proper mouth formation for good suckling.  But I imagine the kid perceiving this as a kind of lactating “pump-fake”.  You want the milk?  Oh no you don’t!  Here it is…juke!  Okay okay…here’s the milk…thought you knew!!!  It’s kinda like a linebacker biting on the screen pass.  One class even mentioned being patient enough to do this thirty times until baby makes the proper mouth motions to latch on and to be honest, anything is worth it to prevent cracked nipples!

They even showed a video where, before the mom breastfed, she juggled each boob to see which one was fuller and that would be the first one that the baby would tap.  Well, that’s the job I want.  I wanna be the fuller boob judge (not to be confused with the Fuller-Brush man from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons).  I would stand behind Cheryl and grab both boobs (gently of course) and shake ’em then try to guess (like the guy at the state fair) which boob was heavier.  I can see myself taking a contemplative pose with a boob in each hand…”Hmmm, is it the left one or the right one”?  Shake shake shake.  “I think it’s the left one…the left one indeed”!

So that’s it guys…after pregnancy, you’re only role that would even come close to you ever touching boobs again will be as a lactation consultant.  You may check her form and inspect the baby’s bottom lip (only because momma can’t see it) to make sure that baby is latched on properly…you may even be lucky enough to be a boob-milk-weight judge, but other than that, your wonderful journey of unlimited boobie-touching is officially over.  You’ve been replaced by someone much younger.  Just like when the wife finally starts watching college football…it’s not like she’s watching it to see the football, it’s to see young, college-aged guys’ butts.  Yes, you have been replaced by someone younger.  How do you make up for this?  Well you hold your kid, because that’s gotta be the ultimate high!

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading this far guys!



  1. oh my gosh.

  2. i never knew about the cracked and bloody…..goodness

  3. I’m afraid to say that I couldn’t stop laughing, because I fear Cheryl laying the smack on me in November.

    Let’s just say, I was dead tired and now I’m fully awake.

    To be Boob-judge, wouldn’t you need experience? I’m just saying.

  4. Sarah-

    Yeah, I understand that you’re thinking about labor and delivery nursing. Well, just give me a call if you need help with anything. I think I pretty much got this stuff pegged.


    Don’t let the cracked and bloody… deter you and Shay (no pressure). They occur if you don’t juke the kid enough to make them “fish-lip” the entire aureola. So don’t let that scare you.


    Boob-Judge…That’s all I ever wanted to be in life…sigh…

  5. Let’s wait and see if the baby pulls out Cheryl’s milk ducts! That is what Sophie did to me. Can you say ouch!

  6. too funny!

  7. ehhhh pulling out of milk ducts… cheryl has so much to look forward to!

  8. oh boy. todd, I think it’s time for a new post.

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