Posted by: toddzilla | September 13, 2007

Master-T’s Theatre…NFL, the No French League

My lovely wife Cheryl is at the mercy of the strange and sometimes dark cravings that her pregnancy has thrust upon her.  Her love and fidelity is being continually tested by our hero’s protagonist, the unscrupulous, dastardly, determined, and worldly Monsieur Corn.  Tune in as Monsieur Corn once again tries to persuade the lovely and talented Cheryl from her vows…mrcorn.jpg

Click on the jump to see what Monsieur is scheming next!

Monsieur Corn:  Ahhhh, I see that your miserable excuse for a husband ees out of town for zee weekend, no?  He ees on zee, how you say, retreat?  We French are not familiar with zees concept, zees retreat.  But, how you say, anyhoo, I see that you are meesing him are you not my leetle peanut breetle?  He ees gone and my leetle lovely ees here watching zee, fooht-bahl, no?  You say you do not like to watch zees fooht-bahl, whenever zee swine is around, yet you watch eet when he ees not here?  I am desoriente.  Oh, I am sorry my peedgeon, you do not understand zee language of love because you are stuck with that turd-steench of a husband, who can barely speak boorish englais!  I am, how you say, confused by thees…that you would watch thees fooht-bahl, while zee bootscum husband is away.  It is almost as eef you miss him?  Bah!  Why do you meess zat common knuckle-draggair?  Even more so, why watch zees drivel of a sport.  It makes no sense to me!  Zees brutes dress in zee large pads and uniforms that are not styleesh at all!  then zees clods bounce around on a dirty field chasing zee stupeed shaped ball made of swineskin…just like your husband…Aww-haw-haw!  He ees zee swine and therefore ees made of zee swineskin, no?  Monsieur Corn made zee funny, no? 

Ooh look, one brute has handed zee swineskin to anoth-air brute and he ees runneeng down zee funny marked field until anoth-air brute has, how you say, tackled heem?  Boorish rubble!  Oooohhhh, look at zee man throwing zee ball to a skinny brute…run leetle skinny brute with zee ball catching you have done!  Run like zee weend lest zee bigg-air slow-air brute would hug you to the ground in thees tackle theeng as you call it!  I laugh at zees display of American pooh!  I expel my breakfast in a gaseous form from my nether regions into the general vicinity of your fooht-bahl feeld on the teleeveezhun for to viewing screen!  Yes I have farted on your sport!  Like your husband is probably farting now…scratching his cul and zen sneeffing his pig fing-iars!  Aw-haw-haw. I am zee weetty, no? I made another of zee funny, oui!  See, I am zee total package for you lov-air.  I am zee smooth talkeeng, love machine, no mon ami?  Am I not zees theengs my turtle dove?  Oui!  You know that I am all theese theengs.  I can melt zee ladees weeth my smooth talk, not like this potato-headed fooht-bahl play-air that is on zee screen now hawking zee cell phones.  he can hardly speak zee englais…Who ees thees person with zee laz-air, rockeet arm?  Pay-ton Mah-neeng?  Hees head makes me for to laugh!  Look at eet!  Eet is, how you say..beeg and lumpy, no?  He talks with that crude southern drawl…eet makes me laugh!  Who would want thees man to sell their phones?  Oh oui, I must remember that eet ees zee clods like your Todd that watches thees tripe!  Zees fooht-bahl!  He should change it from 6’5″ 250 laz-air rockeet arm to size 8 and 5 pound lumpy potato head!  Aw-haw-haw!  Take that Pey-ton Man-neeng!  Geet behind zee line and wave your arms like a chickeeng.  Yell at zee large white men in front of you…Tee-Hee!  It ees making me geeggle!  Wave your arms Pey-ton Man-neeng!

(finishes his laugh…then sighs as he catches his breath)

I have heard of zee behavior of your belov-ed fooht-bahl play-airs, like zee, how you say, Pacman Jones…make it rain?  I laugh at you!  you must go to zee streep clubs to make it rain on those American girls…Thees makes me have the funny feeling,  no?  What ees a Pac-man?  I am sure your Todd does thees theengs…all American men do thees theengs, the swine!  Man-neeng does not do thees, but he probably does not have eenough money to make women want hees lumpy head!  He makes me for to guffaw loudly in a humorous manner!

Watch your fooht-bahl peedgion.  It sets your standards on zee low, no?  You look for boorish men, when Monsieur Corn weel come een and, how you say, bleetz you weeth love, no?  I will give you zee forward pass, no?  I will cov-air two, no?  Oh, zat one was a beet inteense no?  Monsieur Corn is getteeng, how you say, blue now witth zee cov-air two line?  Are you to be getteeng it?  Cov-air two as I will be covereeng your two, no?  I can be, how you say, edgy like that!  Subtle entendres that will be to making you swoon.  that will bleetz your subconscience and make you want zee corn!  Waiting for zee rush of my love, no?  Mon ami will infiltrate your line of scree-mage (not fromage) and bleetz your heart until you know real love!  Real passion!  I will take you from Rex Grossman, to Carson Palm-air in no time!

Au Revoir mon ami!  Watch your fooht-bahl.  I weel be watcheeng you, no?

 Keeses and zee hugz my dear…keeses and zee hugs!

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