Posted by: toddzilla | August 27, 2007

Mackin’…All Hick-Like

I have no idea how the idea for this post came to me, but when it’s there and it flows…well sometimes you just have to go with it.  That’s why Cheryl married me in the first place (only to regret it later). 

I know what a lot of you, my faithful readers are thinking: How in the world did a hick like Todd, land a lady like Cheryl?  Well, I know that my rugged exterior, intensely masculine pheromones, and manly ways don’t exactly “jive” with the current metrosexual trends, but you can’t take a playah out that easy!  Sure, I may not have big muscles or lots of intelex  entailigenz  brayns  smartz I.Q., or even passable personal hygiene.  I may not even be able to articulate the things that I want to talk to say about for you to hear them in a way to that would you make you believe me.  But I do have one thing that is guaranteed to knock the ladies out: a Southern accent!  Yah heard?  Now despite the tone of this post, I do have a speck of humility.  I’m just building up the importance of the Southern accent so that I may pass along this great amount of Mack-Knowledge that otherwise would be lost to eternity thanks to the legal ramifications of the marriage license I signed (I thought it was a gift certificate to KFC-Cheryl has been watching too many soap operas and kinda like Marion Barry…except I won’t use the “b” word…”she set me up”).  Northern gals are especially succeptible to said accent.  Especially Canadians like my wife (she’s from Buffalo).  Sure they have their own accent and fanny packs galore, but it just doesn’t bring the sexy like the South…The Sexy South!  Oh yeah!  I like the sound of that.  I should have put that on my wedding invitations. “Hey Y’all!  Come on down to the Sexy South so you’ns can see yer Cheryl marry herself a good man! Hottttttt Daaaaaang!”  *Respondez Sil Vous Plait

So for all my Northern reader…errr readers, here is a guide for you to be able to either understand or resist the steamy nature of the Southern dialect.  you see, there’s a reason it’s so hot down south and it ain’t the closer proximity to the Equator…it’s the “Sexy”..The hot Sexy.

Here is an example of a typical come on by a Southern gentleman as he sees a lady walking by (we can spot Northern chicks mainly due to the lack of a Def Leppard t-shirt and don’t even front like you all smart because that is how Def Leppard is spelled).

Southern gentleman:  “Hey there lil’ lady!”

Lady: (showing a bit of discomfort as she is taken aback by the butchering of the English language [a sure sign of vulnerability-kinda like a dog being able to sense fear]) Um, hey! (awkward smile)

SG:  “Hooo-Wee you sure are lookin’ mighty fine! Mighty fine.”

L: “Um thanks…I think”

SG: “You ain’t from around here are you?” (note: if you are a northern male and this is said to you at any time…get away!  Quckly.)

L: “Um no”

SG:  “Well they shure do know how to grow ’em wherever it is that you’re from!”  (toothless grin)

L: (blushes) “Oh really?  Marry me!”

Yes that is how it goes!  It’s that simple…and that effective.   First, you’re simply walking by and then..BAM!  You done been Southern Sexified!  So watch out!

Now, From the other perspective, I know that there are a few single ladies that may stop by this here blog every now and then (I have been cursed with an animal magnetism that just draws single gals to me.  It also tends to erase computer hard drives that are nearby…it’s been a curse really, well ever since I fell for that KFC gift certificate thing) and I know that you’re probably asking yourself “Well, Todd, if you represent the typical Southern male, then I want me one!”  This is a sentiment that I can totally understand as it is one that I too experience every time I walk by a mirror wearing only my boxers and socks (didn’t I tell you it’s hot down here…hot from the Sexy!).  So, here’s how you snag yourself a Southern man…Learn to cook fry things.  That’s all you need to know.  If you can fry stuff, then you are all set.

 I’m glad I can help…I tell you what ladies…(because I know a lot of you read this but are too shy to comment) ask a question in the comments about how to land a Sexy Southerner and I will give some advice all Dear Abbie style!  Thanks for reading this far without taking too much offense.

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Responses

  1. Much harder to catch is the Southern female! We are much sought after for our accents, but have very high standards. To my parents dismay, I fell for a Yankee. I still don’t think my grandmother has gotten over it!

  2. Gretchen-

    You are, as always, correct. If you want a Southern gal…be ready for some sass!

    I don’t think your grandmother is upset that Greg is from north of Arkansas, but more likely it’s because, well, he’s Greg. It’s not a group dislike so much as an individual dislike…

  3. Hey, Maryland is neutral & south of Mason Dixon. He’s no yankee!

  4. Here, the pick up line is, “would you like to come and clean my house?” That’s not an innuendo, nor am I making a joke.
    They’re serious.
    But gals could also trap a man here with KFC (or as they call it Kentucky) because Africans luv them some KFC! So thanks for tip. I’ll comment again next week when I’m married.


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