Posted by: toddzilla | August 23, 2007

Polygamy All-Stars

I stand a very good chance of getting in trouble for this post, but you know I am not one to think twice before I type something (that’s why I call this blog “Stuff My Brain Filter Doesn’t Catch”).  With that said, here is a post that has been bouncing around my tawdry mind…I apologize in advance.

Well a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless in order to protect his wife’s identity) told me that he came home to his wife watching a special on polygamy.  Apprently she is enthralled fascinated by this concept and rightfully so.  It is exciting, yet so dangerous!  The prospect of multiple wives appeals to man’s hunter/gatherer nature, but it also signals his aversion-to-nagging reflex.  It’s kind of like fight-or-flight, but in a bag-or-nag kind of way.  Anyhoo-this got the rusty cogs of my mental capacities moving and I thought to myself (as if I could “think” to anybody else) “Well, Todd, it is fantasy football draft time…why don’t you draft a polygamy team?”  to which I responded: “By jove you’re right man!” and everybody at church kinda looked at me funny.  But anyway…Here are the rules for the draft:  This isn’t physical polygamy, we just want to compose a roster of “wives” to help handle the many different aspects of life according to their skills.  The beauty of it is that each team will have different needs based on the husband!  I doubt anybody other than me would need a “ninja-killing” wife!  So with that in mind, why don’t you hit the jump and check out my own Polygamy All-Stars Team?

Best Friend/Mother of my Child/Wonderful Provider/Booty-knocking Wife: Cheryl  I mean come on…She is the best!

Cooking Wife: Rachael Ray (Starter)-I mean she cooks and is perky so conversation should be good and she gets the meal done in under 30 minutes!  The Con would be if she decides to talk while the Simpsons are on (I get enough of that already).

ray-rachael.jpg

Giada de Laurentiis (Reliever)-Just in case I need a change of pace meal-wise.  I bring in the reliever…Plus I like it when she stirs stuff (don’t tell my wife).

giadaheadshot.jpg

Cleaning Wife:  Marge Simpson..Man, does she keep a tight household or what?  Super Mom.  Drawback:  Nagging in a gravelly Louis Armstrong voice.

simp2006_marge_f.jpg

Ninja-Killing Wife: Initially it would have been Jennifer Garner but she has been ruined by overexposure to the Red Sox…sooooo I will go with Aunt Esther (La Wanda Page)

aunt_esther.jpg

Child-rearing wife-Jo frost (Super Nanny)  She brings serious discipline and a cool British accent.  Everything sounds more authoritative with a British accent.  Everything sounds sexier with a French accent.  Everything sounds much sexier with a hick accent!  Oh and Yeah!  Yee-Haw Baby!  Yurn lookin’ mighty fine!  The other day, my wife who is from Buffalo asked me for “dressin'”.  I shed a tear of joy.

supernanny.jpg

Now let’s see…what other positions do I need to draft for on the Toddzilla All-Star Matrimonial Team?

Chauffeur Wife?  Book-Holding-While-I-Read wife?  Remote-Control wife (um…no!  I may new to this polygamy thing, but I know that under no, I repeat no, circumstances do you let your wife handle the remote).  Put-her-finger-on-the-bow-while-I-tie-it-for-Christmas-presents wife?

As always feel free to lambast me or even add some positions to draft for in the comments section.  Let me know who you would put on your team.  I did grasp the concept of polygamy correctly didn’t I?  I mean, it is meant to provide a wife for all your basic needs, right?

Cheryl…even though I’m sure your skin crawls whenever I say this:  I Loves Ya’ Baby!  Ain’t nobody else butchoo!  Haaaaw-Weeee!

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Responses

  1. Todd,

    If I had any idea who this friend was or his nameless wife I would guess that his wife found the polygamists fascinating, not enthralling. Enthralling would seem to indicate a participatory desire instead of a voyeuristic one. That is I am guessing this is what she might say.

    For my polygamist wife all stars let me nominate….

    Daisy Duke for the chauffeur wife. She was hot and had a jeep. Hey they are fun. Plus there is a cb to play with.

    Linda Cohn for sports watching wife. It would be cool to discuss the difficulties of adapting Joe Gibb’s offensive philosophies with Al Saunders over dinner cooked by Rachel Ray.

    The hot redhead from Myth Busters as weekend project wife. It would be cool to do a little myth busting at home.

    Those are some of my suggestions that I hope won’t get me in trouble with any women who live in my house who may or may not be enthralled or fascinated with polygamists.

  2. Todd,

    I’m going to try this again, without the hyperlinks. Maybe that will keep the post.

    Best Friend – Mandy Moore/Jennifer Love Hewitt. Mandy has that girl next door quality to her with down home looks. JLH is just an all-star, but Mandy has my heart.
    Cooking – Todd your picks were excellent.
    Cleaning – Patricia Heaton from Everyone Loves Raymond/Leah Remini from King of Queens. If you’ve ever watched either show, I don’t think I need to explain.
    Sports Wife – Alyssa Millano/Kelly Clarkson. Millano has her own sports blog on baseball. Clarkson is the spokeswoman for NASCAR. These two women are after my own heart.
    Comedy Wife – Amanda Bynes/Reese Witherspoon. Bynes is young, 21, but has a great spunk about her. Witherspoon is just A-1 quality and I’m sure she would be great for laughs.

  3. Todd, now that i’m, living in a polygamist culture, I see it’s effects first hand. I can tell you it’s wrong wrong wr-ong! After all, didn’t Jesus say himself, “No man can serve two masters?”
    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  4. I am so changing my Linda Cohn pick to Alyssa Milano after what Shannon said! What an upgrade.

  5. Greg-

    I fixed that little semantic entendre. I agree with the Daisy Chauffeur pic. You could get on the CB:

    Shannon: “skkkrnszz- Breaker, breaker what’s yer 20?-skkrrnzk”
    Greg: ” skrnnk-Hee Dawggy man, I am hunkered up to some long legs and shorty shorts, come on back! skkrnnzz”

    And how can I put this politely….if you draft Alyssa Milano…um….you many have to wait in line behind the entire LA Dodgers squad…especially the pitchers. How about Giselle Bundchen?

    Shannon-Dropped the A-Bomb with the JLH pick! It’s all over…nothing compares to JLH. She is the number one guaranteed harsh-look-from-the-missus pick! With that said, I can’t stand her…honestly and I mean that (Cheryl may read this).

    I may have to vary from Patricia Heaton…she seems like the super-nag of TV Nageous-copious!

    Christy-As always excellent point! Good one!

  6. I am going to vomit. really.


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