Posted by: toddzilla | August 7, 2007


Well, as is well known by now, our child was modest during the ultrasound last week and we are not sure what to expect in a few months gender-wise.  As an aside, a lot of folks have suggested that the child was taking after his/her dad and being a prankster…To them all, I say “Whatevah”!  I don’t even know if the milkman has a propensity for humor or not.  But seriously, somehow, you people have gotten the notion that I am a bit of a jokester and I am befuddled, but that is stuff for another post…

Cheryl and I are both really wide open and have no gender preferences whatsoever.  In fact, I think we will even bypass the opportunity at the next ultrasound (at 34 weeks) to find out if it’s a boy or a girl and wait until the delivery day.  This is all good except for one thing…when we walk through the stores and look at the baby clothes, we can’t buy any!  It seems very difficult to find any clothing that doesn’t lean to one gender or another.  I guess our child will have to get used to green and yellow (I hope this doesn’t turn them into an Oakland A’s fan).  All this is very minor, but it has caused a couple of my synapses to fire off (that’s all I have) and the gears of thought have led me to wonder…what will I do with my child?  How will I influence my child and prepare him or her for life?  In other words, in the fancy romantic vision of fatherhood in my head (a la Bill Cosby and “Father Knows Best”), what in the heck are we gonna do?  So here are some lists, based on whether we have a girl or a boy, of what baby and “pops” can do while momma keeps the house clean and changes diapers for both of us (after all foo-baw season is coming up and who needs to miss anything while dealing with those pesky bodily functions?).  Check out the lists…..after the jump!

If it’s a boy- (have you ever noticed how I like to interject bold bullet points into a post?) Well, if junior is indeed blessed with the Y-chromosone and all the blood pressure-lowering “equipment” that comes with it, he and I should have a grand ol’ time!  Let’s see what could we do?  We would:

Watch Spongebob together and giggle at everything Patrick says or does.  Gasp in unadulterated awe at the suh-weet toys for boys, especially legos!  Clap our hands in giddy anticipation every fall when the gridders take the field.  Sit in the stands and learn to score a baseball game and scope the program to get the skinny on the starting pitcher.  Watch Bugs Bunny and guffaw at the slapstick comedy gold that is the “Dog’s-leash-runs-out-so-he-flies-back-with-his-feet-out-while-chasing-Foghorn-Leghorn” bit.  Go to Hooters and enjoy the food (who am I kidding?).  Discuss our tubmarine blockade strategy to keep the tugboats at the drain end of the tub from reaching their destination at the towel rack end.  Give his poor mother holy heck by refusing to lower the toilet seat now that we have a penis majority in the house.  See who can out-dirty our clothes.  Learn humility as NCSU and Chicago Cubs fans.  Learn humility by sharing the same big-nose gene.  Play on the floor, giggling  like a couple of idiots.  Learn how to talk in a deep Southern accent to tick off mom and the in-laws and to pick up chicks when he’s in B-Lo (Because we all know…the B-Lo ladies love them some hicks!).  Make fun of each others musical tastes.  Make fun of each others clothing tastes.  Fart.  Burp.  Fart again.

If it’s a girl- Well, if we are blessed with a lil’ girl (and Cheryl and I both think that we are), then daddy will have to branch out and learn the ways of the fairer sex.  With that in mind I would:

Teach her how to talk with a ridiculously cute Southern accent to make her mom and my in-laws gush (and to sass the fire out of any boys that get too, well, boyish).  Learn how to go through the toy store looking at stuff that has every conceivable shade of pink splattered all over it.  Be sure that she doesn’t get any girls stuff that has makeup in it…until she’s 18.  Learn how to throw away whatever the latest incarnation of Tiger Beat is, be it a magazine or some sort of cyber equivalent.  Teach her that boys are evil.  Teach her that boys are stupid (I can do this by example!).  Show her the joys of foo-baw, the grid-iron glory and the need to stay away from foo-baw players during high school (and college and while in Vegas and on small dog farms in Virginia).  Teach her the fun of watching and enjoying baseball on a nice spring day.  Watch Spongebob Squarepants and giggle at everything Patrick says or does (thank GOODNESS Spongebob is gender-neutral as well as Bugs Bunny).  Take pictures before her prom and wonder where the time went.  Then show her prom date the inside of the closet where the shovel and shotgun reside, side by side…just waiting to be used in conjunction with one another…shotgun first…I have to be explicit in my reference just so “Schmuckley” will fully grasp the consequences of his actions.  Learn how to wave and mutter under my breath as I simultaneously smile so that my wonderful daughter is completely oblivious to the threats I am currently making to her boyfriend(s).  Learn how to wear a shirt around the house…guhhhh!  Be an example of what to look for in a man (this may be very difficult hence Plan B: aforementioned shotgun/shovel tandem).

How’s that for a start?  Maybe I will post a continuation to the lists as they come to me.  Any suggestions?  Drop ’em in the comments!



  1. Todd,

    You’re going to be a great father (and role model) for your child, regardless if it is a boy or a girl. I suggest, for comedic purposes, to pick up any of Bill Engvall CDs where he jokes about raising his daughter. Your shotgun and shovel line sounded like one of his about not being afraid of going back to prison.

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