Posted by: toddzilla | July 23, 2007

A Few Unfounded Theories or “How I Started a Gender War”

We were invited to two parties Saturday (Woo-Hoo we got mad social life going on!).  The first was a cool first birthday party for Brandon and Aimee’s son Owen who owned that b-day cake!  The second par-tay was a wedding shower (more party than shower) for Loren and Lizzy.  Well, at the latter as we were leaving, I was tempted during a conversation to espouse one of my many theories on life (being the sage observer that I am-or would “sagacious” be a better word choice there?).  Well, anyway, I think I embarassed my poor wife…again.  She was discussing our first ultrasound where we heard our child’s heartbeat for the first time and it was on the high end of the normal beat-per-minute range.  The doc let us know that old wives apparently think that a fast heartbeat is a tell-tale sign of a girl to which I responded that it made sense because girls are more high-strung (no need to argue that point, right?).  Well you know how we never shy away from tackling all issues here at the ol’ blog…So, do you wanna find out how I embarassed the missus?  Well check it out after the jump!

Well, given that girls are inarguably more high strung than guys, I’m sure that you, my faithful readers, want to know how I came to that conclusion.  It’s simple and the answer is right there under your bellybutton.  Boys have a built-in play toy for stress relief…a “fidget” if you will.  Think about it, when you change a boys diaper what’s the first thing he goes for once he feels the cool, cool air of freedom?  His hands (so I’ve been told, I’m a diaper virgin and I’m hoping to stay that way for the next 20 or so years at least) go right for his “thang”, his “beans and frank”, “dinky”, “John”, “handle”,”crank”, “wang”, “meat and 2 veg”, “twig and berries”,”doodle”,”noodle” and if its big enough…his “poodle”.  It is bred early into his Y-chromosome that there is joy to be found in the fondling of the foundling.  When life’s getting you down and somebody insists on not letting you crawl around in your own filth, well, it can be stressful on a young mind, so there is comfort to be sought in the ol’ built-in fidget.  Heck, you shouldn’t have to wear that crinkly diaper anyway…it’s against nature AND it blocks you from the fidget!  But that’s life as imposed by the parental units, so you just have to deal with it and give the ol’ weiner a grab when you can…Sure your hand might get powdered a bit and I’m sure that mom will push your hand away (they just don’t understand), but tread on smartly dinky soldier!  Grab fast and hold on…stress is ever present (and so too, hopefully, will be your fidget) and your lil hands are quick to the grab!  Powder as she may, mom, can’t dissuade you from checking out the goods, your “special purpose”.  No, she can only bat your hands away like some “noodle” goalie, but don’t give in (we don’t want to be high-strung do we?).  Persevere lad!  Move quickly and hold tight before it gets covered again in the plastic, blue-liquid absorbing bane to our existence as free/free hanging men!  For your own well-being grab hold…lift your feet to your stomach and show off the goods!  Roll over and fuss, make her diapering campaign of oppressive crank-covering difficult and when she least expects it…unleash the artillery!

Ahem…Girls?  Well they just don’t have this kind of stress relief and ipso facto, they are more high-strung.  We, as lower-blood-pressured, easy going guys can’t hold that against you ladies, I mean, it’s not your fault that you were missing the fun “extras” that the Y-chromosome gives us, so we just learn to deal with your high-strungedness early.  And that’s my theory.  However, what I learned recently (Saturday night) about this theory is: that it is apparently not so socially acceptable as to discuss the theory itself openly and in a coed social situation.  Who’da thunk it?  Live and learn!

Do any of you have any more interesting gender-based theories?  I mean, I know there is no argument against my “fidget” theory (it’s practically law)…So, drop your theories in the comments!



  1. I’m just thankful I wasn’t drinking at work right now or else cleaning the computer of Dr Pepper would be a problem. My word, Todd, if I had made that comment during my “earlier life,” I guarantee you it would not have been a fun night in Mudville. No, “Casey” would not be stepping up to the plate. Instead, “Casey” would be enjoying the comfort of the couch.

  2. I tried to make sure upfront that Cheryl knew and wholly understood 2 facts and effects of marrying me:

    1) That I am, at my innermost being, a foolish knucklehead and, despite attempts to hide it, that fact comes out awkwardly and usually in delicate social situtaions.

    2) That she was disappointing legions of women by taking me off the market.

    So far, she has dealt wonderfully with the challenge because she is an absolute Godsend!

  3. And all this was being discussed in MY house??? Oh, I have comments, my friend and things I could teach you, but I’ve stepped onto the road to holiness. I think I was actually blushing while I read along. Perhaps someone needs to share a copy of the battle book? Not Seuss’s butter battle book. Men?

  4. Maggie-

    Perhaps I wasn’t totally clear, but I’m not referring to anything extensive enough for the “battle” book to cover…just good ol’ fashioned, innocent “fiddlin”. You know, before you find out what your special purpose is for…Am I digging my rut deeper?

  5. I think I want to have a girl….

  6. […] post?) Well, if junior is indeed blessed with the Y-chromosone and all the blood pressure-lowering “equipment” that comes with it, he and I should have a grand ol’ time!  Let’s see what could we […]

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