Posted by: toddzilla | June 8, 2007

I want a baby-monitor…stat!

Thanks to our good friends Dave and Michele for suggesting a suh-weet baby monitor.  I checked it out and I think I want to go ahead and buy it.  Why, You may ask?  Well…so I can do the following [while the speaker is in the upstairs nursery and my lovely wife is downstairs in the living room]:

-[In a strong booming voice] “Cheryl!  This is God!  I want you to build a sandwich 80 cubits by 80 cubits!  Seal the interior of the sandwich with mayonnaise and mustard then provide a pair of each of the following…fresh deli turkey slices, cuts of monterey jack/colby cheese, and bacon!  Do not forget that I have given thee dominion over all the animals therefore I have gifted you with bacon and with it I am pleased.  Takest thou the barbecue sauce made of peppers and vinegar and splash the sauce thrice on the east side of the sandwich and thrice upon the north side of the sandwich and twice upon the west side of the sandwich.  Pour a drink sacrifice of root beer into a frosty, cleansed mug and bringest thy sacrifice to the top of the stairs, where a priest will take it to the hungriest of hungries…my stomach.”  skkkrrrnnnkk! (all good radio transmissions must end with a skkrrrnnkk!)

-Or I could mimic junior and serenade Cheryl….to the tune of David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust’s “Space Oddity” [warning toilet humor approaching]

This is nursery to major mom/I’m feeling some poo-oo-oo/and I’m squishing in a most peculiar way/it smells different than it did yesterday

nursery to major mom/my huggies leaked, there’s something wrong/can you smell me major mom?/can you smell me major mom?/can you smell me….heeeeerrrrreeee am I floating in a diaper/fullllll of dinner/on the commercials the pee is blue/but they never show the poo {guitar break:dernk dern dern dah dernk…dah derh dernk…dernk dah dernk dah dernk…dah dern dernk} “skkrrrnnkk!”

-Maybe a little Amateur night at the Nursery?

skkkkrrrnnnk! Yo Yo Yo I ain’t no joke…I’m ’bout to make the monitor…smoke! skkkrrnnnk!

-Re-enact favorite lines from the movie Midway.

This is strawberry 3-9-niner to USS Yorktown, we have spotted the japanese cruiser fleet in the bathtub, over…skkkkrrrnnnk!

-Re-enact famous baseball radio calls:

it’s a full count and junior’s making faces at the plate.  Gerber’s brings the heat with some strained carrots aaaannnd BAM! it’s a long shot over the centerfield wall!  The Huggies take the stinky!  The Huggies take the stinky!  The Huggies take the stinky!  Oh the humanity!  skkkrrrnnnk!

Alright, I’ve run that bit into the ground.



  1. Todd, we love you, but you need some help.

  2. oh I think I wet myself a little! too funny

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