Posted by: toddzilla | May 31, 2007

Master-T’s Theatre Presents: The French “Corn”-nection

SCENE-It is 2:30 AM in the humble abode shared by Toddzilla and his lovely, pregnant wife, Cheryl.  She stirs as thoughts interrupt her her deep sleep.  Synapses fire and across the IMAX screen of her brain begin the images of a dream.  A vibrant, fiery, lustful dream.  The incarnation and virtual culmination of the cravings brought on by the changes in her hormones due to being 12 weeks pregnant.  What is showing on her brain screen?  It’s her new craving…her brain IMAX is showing corn-porn!  Let’s join her dream in progress.  Here is the image playing out to her desires…it’s Monsieur Corn!mrcorn1.jpg

Monsieur Corn: Bonjour my leetle peegieon!  My leetle sweet turtledove.  I am in your dreams now, no?  Tres bien my soft leetle dove!

Cheryl: [shuffles a bit and lets out a slow grunt]

MC: Ah, rest my dearest.  You are a tired leetle bird, no?  You have spent so much time with this…how you say…American slob that you are so tired.  He does not deserve such a sweet vision as yourself my dear.  He is one…um…boorish American.  He is, how you say,  zee sorry Southern hick?  Zee local yokel, no?  You are too good for him.  He does not deserve a goddess as yourself, no?

C: [shuffles a bit and starts to frown]

MC: No, he is a brute!  A common knuckle-dragging American brute!  You deserve the refined quality and noble affectations of a higher-bred nobleman…perhaps un fin piece du homme as I…Monsieur Corn!  yes my pet, you should experience more my dear.  [pats Cheryl’s shoulder with his husk]  Yes my love, you deserve me!  Hard boiled and full of, how you say, goodness?  Oui.  Leave that brute…that peeg!  He is no good to you.  He holds you back from experiencing the creme de la’ creme of life…zee Monsieur Corn!  Butt-tair me up my dove.  Let my warm boiled kernels melt zee butt-tair of your heart!  Hold me in your beautiful hands and taste my tender goodness.  I am your humble servant, the desire of your leetle hungry heart, no?

C: [starts to smile and snuggles her pillow]

MC: Oui!  That’s it my leetle filet mignon!  My leetle peanut du brittle!  Leave that dolt.  Experience zee world with Moi.  We will dine in zee cafes of Paree!  Climb zee Eiffel Tow-ware!  Ah-shawn-tay!  He pfft!  He can only show you zee barns and…how you say…zee Peettsboro Courthouse!  You must see zee Louvre!  Your portrait beelongs zhere my leetle Mona d’ Lisa!  Smile my dear and think of my tender, yellow goodness.  The ripped sculpture of my buttered kernels.  You want them? No?  Oui, you do!

C: [Smiles even more]

MC: Bah!  Look at heem!  He is n’est pas sexy! No?  You are an angel…he is zee scum!  Leave him my peegieon…Leave heem and come with moi!

Todd: [rolls over and grumbles]

MC: [dips down and hides behind the covers…slowly rises]  Zee beast, he awakes!  Bah!  I must come a-gain another time my leetle French toast.   C’est la guerre!  Theenk about it my dear…my luh-vair! Aw Aw Aw! [wraps husk around himself like a cape and flies off]

C: [wakes up and looks at Todd]  Wow!  You’ll never guess what I just dreamed about!

T: Huh?  Whah?  Uh, firemen?

C: No….corn?  MMMMM Corn… [goes back to sleep]

T: [smiles and dreams] …MMMMM tah-cos!



  1. I’m speechless. Wow. I mean wow. I don’t know whether to bust a gut laughing or get in the truck and drive to Iowa and bring you some fresh corn.

  2. Oh the choices… Todd vs. Monseiur Corn.. how can a girl decide?
    Monsieur Corn is but a quick fix, a fling! I choose Todd!

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