Posted by: toddzilla | May 4, 2007

The Target Has Been Successfully Macked…What Next?

The Sexiness continues!  So, you have combined a nice suit, a smokin’ hot come-on line like “Gir-uhl I wanna sop you up like a biscuit!”, and some smooth jams…now you got the “mackee” back at the Mack-Shack.  What next?  First off, congratulations on your conquest.  You came, you saw, and you macked.  Now its time for grown-up stuff.  That’s right, she’s at your crib and you know whats on her mind…food!  You can half-seal the deal and try a sacrifice fly and move in for the kill, but nawwww!  You’re certified Macktacular.  You gotta make her wait.  How better to do that than to cook for her.  That way you can appeal to her primitive need to be provided for (again, note the Broad Generalizations & Stereotypes tag for this post).  Cook a girl a meal and she will be like silly-putty in your hands…soft and malleable with an enticing scent.

“But, I can’t cook” (you might say…if you were a quitter and unworthy of your Mack merit badge).  That’s alright, has Toddzilla ever let you down?  Heck and no!  Here’s a simple recipe…for love!

I’m going straight for the main course.  “But T…you may say…what about the appetizer?”  What’d I tell you about foolish questions?  She don’t need no appetizer, she’s been festing on The Sexiness all night!  She should be downright voracious at this point in the evening!  Pour the girl some nice white wine (white wine goes well with this meal…Chardonnay perhaps?).  Then ask her to relax while you get your Rachel Ray on (MMMM Rachel Ray).  Now put some sexy-tunes on and go to the meat section of your refrigerator.  Collect the following: 4 pieces of white bread, Two honking pats of  butter, mustard, mayonnaise, and two slices of extra-thick bologna (what we call Po’ Man’s Steak).  Don’t mess around with that Oscar Meyer thin-sliced mess!  Don’t bring that weak-tot action up in here!  Go for the Jesse James extra-thick “steak” son!  Act like you know!

Warm a pan over medium heat and melt the butter in the pan (some less-than-Macks choose Pam spray or oil…but that’s why they aren’t real men).  Sit there and watch that butter melt (just like your girl over on the couch as she thinks about her man…the one that knows how to cook).  Cut your “steak” with four cuts radially outward from close to the center.  you should end up with a meaty “Iron Cross” or “Maltese Cross”.  Stop and think about how this closely resembles the German Merit medals from both world wars and chuckle to yourself.  Once the butter melts, set the “steak” in the pan and let it sizzle (just like homegirl on the couch).  Now some people like their bologna well-done.  This is a crime and is punishable by hanging in Texas and Alabama.  Bologna, like all cuts of fine meat, should be cooked no more than medium (a nice light brown).  Occasionally lift a flap of that gorgeous steak to check doneness then flip once brown.  Repeat on the other side while making small talk with your lady-friend (who is double-buzzing by now on the wine and The Sexiness).  Serve the steak on the bread with the mayonnaise and mustard as you prefer.  Some people like ketchup on their steak.  This too, is a travesty.  If she asks for ketchup…grab the wine glass and kick her out!  You got the Mack to attack and get one back!

 Enjoy the meal.  Look gently into her glistening eyes and compliment her on how cute she looks eating steak and how the greasy chewing noises are like music to your ears.

 What happens next?  Well you thank her for a lovely evening and escort her home (she’s been drinking remember?  AND She’s been macked!  So she’s not likely in her right mind).  Then you call her in three days….no more, no less.  Countest thou to three by one, not to two, nor to four, but to three.  Countest thou, not once, not twice, but thrice!  Enjoy the courtship, the puppy love, the pressure, the caving in, the jewelry store, the ring, the engagement, the wedding planning, and the wedding!  Whew…What next?  Business Time baby!  Don’t be messing around with all that pre-marital hanky-panky!  You know how I feel about foolishness!



  1. OK, Coal Miner Steak Sandwiches? On a date? For the girl? I’m throwing the Red Flag for an Official Review on this on, coach. We need a review from the booth.

    Girls, I challenge that Coal Miner Steak (or Po Man Steak) Sandwiches would be an appropriate dinner. I think the play should be a Happy Meal.

  2. Oh it will be a “Happy” meal alright…Giggity Giggity! (yes, I have no shame).

  3. Wow! If only Greg had cooked me that sometime during our dating life!

    Todd, white bread to a girl? We only eat healthy whole wheat! 🙂 At least cook the lady something she will eat. A nice steak on the grill, baked potato, etc. Not mystery meat!

  4. If I may be so bold as to say this…If Greg had cooked that for you during courtship…Sophie would be older!

    White bread? Of course! By the time she is on the couch, said girl knows she is living dangerously. She is ready for the extravagance of the “Macker”, so she should go all the way and throw healthiness aside and go for all the marbles! That’s right…white bread baby! You don’t eat caviar with Boone’s Farm? Why have “steak” with wheat bread? We all know that girlies love mystery!

  5. Todd,

    I must say all your advice has been a major plus in my dating arsenal. Can I get a certificate that says I attended the Toddzilla School of Dating?

  6. I must say that Todd has cooked this meal for his woman in the past. Truth be told it was not on white bread and his woman wanted ketchup and didn’t get kicked out! However, as he was cooking, he is right… I was wooed and wowed!

    Mack on Todd!

    But only with me!

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