Posted by: toddzilla | May 3, 2007

The Look of Love…is in a suit

Continuing the Week of Sexy…Toddzilla will go to the next aspect of The Sexiness which is, looking sexy.  Now those of you who know me and have the misfortune of actually having to see me, know that me trying to look sexy is like putting a tie on a hog…it’s still a hog (by the way chicks dig a Southern accent and good ol’ Southern colloquialisms-yeah I had to look up how to spell that).  Now for the scientifical stuff:  God, in his wisdom beyond all understanding and knowing that his male creation is stimulated visually, made woman beautiful in all ways.  Since man, is not as visually pleasing, God tweaked woman so that she looks for satisfaction to her other senses, i.e. smell and hearing (this is why men have deep, husky, sexy voices, and ultra-manly musky scents!  So, with this in mind, in order for a man to get a little extra leg up in the game that is “Mackin'”, he can take a little extra care in his dress.  Why just his dress you ask?  Well ask any woman and odds are she will concur with the following: Chicks look hotter the less they wear and guys look hotter the more they wear.  Which is hotter, Toddzilla in a Speedo?  Or Toddzilla in a nice suit?  The French Rivieria is not ready for The Sexiness of Toddzilla rocking the Speedo!  So, with that in mind, The Macklopedia brings you guys some tips for being a snappy dresser and adding another level to your Sexiness.  Think of it as “Straight Eye for the Straight Guy”.  We will consider a suit for today’s discussion.  Here are a handful of basic rules that are often overlooked:

1. Never buy a cheap suit!  Cheap suits hang like cheap suits.  I’m not saying you gotta go all Armani, but at least roll to the Men’s Wearhouse…for goodness sakes!  They will measure you and make the necessary adjustments to make sure that your coat sleeves aren’t too short and that your slacks have a nice crisp single break on the tops of your shoes.

2. Beware the suit that is not either Navy, Black, or Gray.  These are the classic suit colors and unless you wear one everyday, then these colors should suffice.  remember in the early ’90s when turquoise and purple were in (if you don’t believe me, just look at the Charlotte Hornets’ logo from that era)?  Yeah, imagine showing pics of yourself 15 years from now in that burgundy suit or white suit or whatever the color du jour is.  Also, go with 2- or 3-button suits.  remember the NFL draft from a few years ago with those 7-button Michael Irvin-esque straight jackets?  Too much…apply the 15 year photo principal here!

3. Keep the shirt color subtle.  I personally like to have a subtle suit and shirt and a slight…slight bit of spice in my tie color choice (more on that later).  I prefer a solid shirt with my suit or one with a staid, small fabric pattern (small herringbone weave perhaps), not a print (paisley?) pattern.  As a rule of thumb (though I personally prefer no striped shirts with a suit) thinner shirt stripes = more formal.  French blue, white, creme, subdued yellow, etc. make for good shirt choices.

4. Ties-This is where I let a bit of expression show with some more current color choices.  Sure I let myself slip into a bit of a color du jour pattern with my ties, but I still try to keep it subtle.  If Hot pink is in, well, I will tone it down.  I still won’t buy a hot pink tie.  I prefer small, regular tie patterns, but I think a pattern is needed, no ties with one big goofy drawing on it!  Especially cartoon characters (yes, I’m guilty of this in my sordid past…that’s why I’m qualified to teach you).

5.Tying said tie-I prefer a nice, balanced double windsor to a single, but being a bit tall, not all ties allow me the length to achieve this (the widest part of the tie should rest at the top of your belt), so sometimes I have to use a single windsor. 

6. Shoes-The most important macktacular part of any ensemble!  Why, you ask?  Because chicas scope the shoes like hawks!  They all harbor secret shoe fetishes (note the “Broad Generalizations & Stereotypes” tag for this post).  Guys,  keep your shoes tight Son!Their mindset is, “if that guy can’t take care of his shoes, then he can’t take care of me “snap snap girlfriend”!  So keep your shoes polished!  I admit, I don’t do this like I should, but I’m married…I don’t have to.  While we’re discussing zapatos. here is an man rule to follow:  Do NOT ever wear loafers with a suit!  Lace-up shoes only gents.  Am I taking these things too seriously, you ask?  Well do you wanna bring The Sexiness or just The So-So-ness?  Tighten up ya’ game and quit asking foolish questions!

7.Socks-Finally, the last piece of the puzzle, socks.  One, well two simple rules apply here, like ties, keep your socks simple and understated color-wise and pattern-wise.  The main rule however, socks should match your slacks.  Don’t be wearing brown pants and navy socks because you have on a navy shirt!  That’s women’s fashion!  Be a man and step up to The Sexiness plate!  Khaki pants-knaki-colored socks…Navy pants-navy socks, so on and so forth.

This was a long post!  Oh, were you looking for sexy banter?  Well, when you rock that suit and your GQ-esque Sexitude, roll up to your prime targeted honey, look her in the eyes and give her a few seconds to absorb the Sexmosphere that you are exuding like the star of Sexiness that you are…the interstellar body of Sexy heat that you have become…then look her in the eye and with your best North Carolina smooth-as-butter accent…tell her that she looks finer ‘n froghair!  Then be sure that you are resting your weight slightly on the balls of your feet because you will have to have a quick reaction in order to catch her fine swooning self when she faints with desire, overcome with your Sexiness, and falls to the floor…because it is definitely not sexy to let the honeydip hit the floor!

As always…what did I miss?  Any other fashion tips for the man about town?  Hit me up in the comments!

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Responses

  1. Todd I must say for some reason I get the feeling that if these Sexiness posts continue, it won’t be too far into the future when we will be at yours and Cheryl’s couples shower!!!!! I vaguely remember you not wanting Cheryl to even look at that little girl at the ballpark on Saturday for fear of that possibility but in my science classes, we learned that it was more your topic of the week that led to babies as opposed to looking at children………..

  2. That’s just crazy talk! This is an excellent example of the dangers of The Sexiness. Sometimes girlies be talking all crazy! A young mack padawan must train so that he can control his Sexiness (like the Force).

  3. I agree with Liz. Let’s start thinking up names for baby Vaughn!

  4. I vote for Dale Earnhardt Vaughn….wait, that’s my kid’s name.

  5. It’s clear that this thread has been jacked. Let’s just slow this crazy train down some…Let’s not be rash!

    Shannon-There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been claiming your kid as a tax deduction. I didn’t want to keep ti from and I honestly that naming him Dale Earnhardt “Vaughn” might be a good hint to you that it might not be your kid. I’m so sorry for keeping this from you!

  6. You know, it’s OK. But, I think I’m going to have myself a good man cry over that one.

    Please don’t tell me Lake Speed Vaughn, Jr. is also not mine as well. That would hurt too much.

  7. who does stevie ray belong to?

  8. Sigh…Stevie Ray was a Vaughan…alas, I am but a Vaughn. We were too lazy to keep the second “a”. I wish I had his skills though. Vaughn is such a cool first name, but I just don’t think I could use that one…Vaughn Vaughn? Shucks!


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