Posted by: toddzilla | April 30, 2007

Let’s Get it on…Like the Pandas Do (for mature audiences only).

Here at Toddzilla’s world headquarters, we are never one to shy away from controversy…If I had a modicum of decency, I wouldn’t post this, but you know me…Here’s a shamefully gratuitous post to inflame the senses and spark the desires on my readers…oh yeah! 

Apparently Chinese zoologists are trying just about everything to encourage captive pandas to mate.  Earlier this year a panda form of Viagra was even used to attempt to stimulate a little panda freaky-deaky.  But that failed, so they moved to the basics…panda pornos.  Yes, they let the pandas watch filmed panda-coitus and whaddya know…it seemed to be working with 2006 giving higher procreation numbers (despite what the link below hints at-it’s a bit old, but I just couldn’t bring myself to search for panda porn for too long).

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1612691,00.html?xid=rss-world

Have your boundaries expanded after having read that?  No?  Well, here, for your perusal is an actual play-by-play (to an extent) of two captive pandas and their reactions to the gratuitous panda show at the local Chinese zoo.

male panda (mp):So, uh…the suits say they have some new show for us to, uh, watch tonight…great…just great.  What is it, a new season of 24?  Our guys should have just finished Jack Bauer off, forget the torturing.  Finish the guy off already!

female panda (fp): Uh, yeah, whatever…I hope it’s a new season of Grey’s Anatomy!  I just don’t think that the Docs sleep with enough people!

mp: (rolls eyes and sighs)

Video starts as panda actor knocks on the door to “fix” the other panda’s plumbing…”bernk chicka wow wow”. MP and FP just stare…twisting their heads to the side curiously throughout the entire show.

mp: (Looks at FP as the video finishes) Hmm…wow…so, uh…wasn’t expecting that!…how’s it goin’?  Um…yeah, you’re, uh…you’re lookin’ pretty good…I’m liking what I see.  Yeah, is that…is that new perfume?

fp:(blushing) Well, I just rolled around in the fresh bamboo in the southern corner of the lot…nothing, uh, special…you like?

mp: Oh yeah…me like…me likey! (mp pulls the ol’ yawn and put the paw around the lady move).  So…um, it’s a pretty spring this year dontcha think?

fp:Yeah, it’s nice

Opportunistic Chinese zookeeper slowly turns up some Marvin Gaye on the loudspeakers

mp:Yeah it’s real nice…kinda like you baby…reeeeal nice!  You know I was talking with my boy Smokey the other day…

fp:You know Smokey Bear!

mp:Yeah baby, I got connecitons like that…you know me and Smokey, we tight!  I helped him save some kids from a campground fire a few years back and you know, we keep it tight.  You know I care for the kids even the homo-sapien ones…I just, I just gotta keep it real wif’ ya.

fp:(smiles and coyly giggles)

mp:That’s right girl (moves arm a bit tighter as he slides closer) Well, yeah, I was talkin’ with Smokey and I was telling him about this fly girlie up in my cage you know what I’m saying?  Yeah, I was telling him about you…mmm (starts to brush her fur a little with his free paw).

fp:Really! (looks away and giggles)

mp:Oh you know it girl!  You know…I been watching you.  Watching you eat that bamboo and well…My mind….my mind’s telling me no, but my body…MMM girl you just got it going on!  Why don’t you let a brother have some play?  Nawdumsayin?  Yeah, I been watching you girl…and well, I want some fries wif’ that shake-shake booty!  It’s got to be jelly cuz’ jam don’t shake like that girl!  Nawdumsayin?  It’s like that!  You make a brother wanna holla!

fp:(giggles)Well you know I need a man that’s gonna take care of me…

mp:Oh baby you know I got the dollars to take care of my gir-ruhl!  I’m a real man baby, I don’t play.  I take care of my women…Whaddya say girl?  You know what?

fp: What?

mp:It’s business…it’s business time!

Well that’s all that I can post about, with this being a family blog and all.  But you get the picture.  I know the first few phases of the Chinese plan was buying dinner and flowers and all that, but in the end…it was the video that stole the show!  Why can’t humans be more like pandas?  Can humans just go straight to the video highlights?  No!  We gotta get dinner, and buy flowers and watch movies like Dirty Dancing to even start to get some play!  Well that is if you don’t throw down the Toddzilla first date method…maybe, just maybe I’ll lay down some mack-knowledge in another post.

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Responses

  1. Oh my, Todd. Oh my.

    This blog needs some music to accompany the comedy.

    Perhaps this,

    or

    or

  2. Thanks for the links! But was it really necessary to write a song called “Feel Like Making Love” Isn’t that a given? But then again this is the group who has a song with the same name as their group and the album it’s on. Here’s Bad Company with “Bad Company” from Bad Company!?!


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