Posted by: toddzilla | May 29, 2008

Rachael…I just don’t know you anymore

Believe it or not…I’m actually gonna write about something while it is still relatively, uh relevant.  In case you missed the story here, my former girl on the side Rachael Ray has chosen to align herself with (as Michelle Malkin, the elected representative of America and Christianity in general) “murderous Palestinian jihad”.  I have to agree.

I am a simple man.  I find a few things in life that I enjoy and I cling to them like mad.  There hasn’t been a funny TV show since Sanford and Son.  It’s the end-all, be-all of sitcoms.  I can contact anyone with my trusty rotary phone, so why in blue blazes would I need some new-fangled pushbuttons!  I’m still waiting on Nokia to release a retro dial cellphone, then and only then will I even think about mobile phonery as a means of communication.  Antibiotics!?!  Bah!  Gimme a good ol’ fashioned George Washington-esque blood letting.  Yes, this is my normal attitude and one that included an undying love for Rachael Ray, her luscious curves, orange-handled knives, and her magic cupboard that only contains the ingredients for her current recipe and they are placed in recipial chronological order so that the first ingredients she needs are in the front.  Heck, I even wrote a love poem to her (one where I misspelled her name because I was so blinded by love).  But alas, that ship has sailed.  Things have changed and unlike my affinity for beta VCR’s, I must move past my yearning for all things Rachael Ray.

Granted, it was her stylist that made the fateful decision to place that hateful paisley scarf on her for the ad, but Rachael should have exercised the following logic to know that:

offwhite + black paisley = offwhite+black so when you substitute it into the following equation:

(offwhite+paisley) + (photo/ad) + neck + luscious curves – (drooling Toddzilla) + coffee = traditional Arab male headgear = “murderous Palestinian jihad”

Understand?  Perhaps I can provide some photographic evidence to back the claims up:

Exhibit Luscious A

 

Which equals:

Exhibit jihad B

Got it?  Good.

So who are the losers here?  Well, the children are…they’re always the losers because nobody ever thinks of them, of course throw in the Bills, Pirates, Royals, and NCSU…but after all them, the losers here are all the blue-blooded, blue-collared, God-fearing, salt of the Earth, doughnut- and coffee-buying American public!  That’s who.  Oh, that and my unrequited love for Rachael.  I remember the good ol’ days when the only way to fund terrorism was to ship pallets of cash to Iraq to be conveniently lost.  Yeah….that didn’t bother me and my doughnuts, but now…whenever I buy a Dunkin Donut or coffee…I kill civilians.  Remember that the next time you wanna go to a pinko doughnut stand…Kinda makes you sick doesn’t it.

Rachael…oh how the lovely have fallen.  I….I…I…I just don’t know you anymore. <sniff>.  How could your bubbly personality and tight tops lead you to terrorism?  30-minute anarchy?  What’s next?  Giada wearing a Mussolini helmet while making linguine?  Paula Dean with a “stars and bars” oven mitt?  Will this ever end?  At least I still have Wonder Woman, now that’s an Amazonian American hero!  Sorry Rachael, but my blue-blood will not allow me to buy Dunkin Donuts.

Wait…have you seen her booty when she goes to the magical cupboard?  Aww girl I could never leave you!  Call me!


Responses

  1. Did you see your girl on Million $$ Password???? She was looking pretty nice….who knew she had the ability to spout out so many synonyms! She was surprisingly decent at the game…….hope you saw it…..sorry if you missed it.

  2. Great to visit the Toddblog again, it’s always a pleasure. Might I make a few suggestions…….Nigella Lawson and Krispy Kreme. Forget Rachel and dunkin donuts, as each of those are second-tier. An obvious upgrade to Dunkin Donuts is Krispy Kreme. But I chose Nigella as an upgrade to Rachel Ray over the more obvious Giada or possibly Sandra Lee. I chose Nigella because she, like Rachel, is also “curvy”. In addition, she has a sultry British accent, and has a very sensual way of cooking and eating. Give it a try, you won’t be disappointed.

    BTW, Nigella’s first book was titled “How to Be a Domestic Goddess”, which gives me images of a clean house, warm chocolate cake, and being occasionally surprised with a gift of a Nerf weapon.


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