Posted by: toddzilla | January 29, 2009

Two great tastes that taste great together

Wow, it’s been awhile since I written a decent post here, but hey you get what you pay for.  I’ve been struggling to find inspiration letely and let’s face it, my motivation has never been the best…for anything.  I actually checked Amazon out one time for self-help books on motivation and found one that was 600 pages long!  But I digress, as usual.

This week, while cruising the ebays, I stumbled upon inspiration.  Jaw dropping, nipple-hardening inspiration that got me thinking about things that should be combined…for the greater good of mankind.  I will present said inspiration after the jump with a disclaimer for the squeamish, prudish, jewish, or Amish…(yeah, I know you sneak out and crank up the computer every now and then…I’ve seen Witness).  If you fall into any of these groups, then just pass this post on by.  If you are a mature adult (as if), then feel free to click on the jump to see my latest muse.  My Mona Lisa…My Lisa Lisa (and Cult Jam).

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Posted by: toddzilla | January 13, 2009

A little braggin’

If you’re all excited about a new Toddzilla post (bless your heart), don’t get your hopes up.  This is just a quickie to remind you all of my August 6 post where I made the following seemingly crazazazy assertion:

My crazy off-the-wall pick for BCS glory this year?  Well I want UGA to take it all (well only if NCSU doesn’t surge), but UGA’s schedule is a beast, so I’m picking Florida.  What the hey…

Well, how ’bout dem apples baby!  I got something right.  As we say down souff…the sun shines on a dog’s butt every now and then!  YEEE-HAWWW!

My next prediction for the future: Flying cars.

Posted by: toddzilla | November 6, 2008

H.I.M.A.Y.

Every few days it happens.  The rate at which it occurs is staggering and the effects are breathtaking.  It is not something that is openly discussed in social circles and oftentimes it leaves its victims curled up on the floor, sobbing and yearning for the way it used to be.  I’ve tried my very best to cover it up, but I too am a victim…a victim of H.I.M.A.Y.  My life is no longer like it used to be and it’s taken me years to make this confession.  Please, dear reader, Help…I married a yankee.

Yes H.I.M.A.Y. is an affliction that disguises itself as a wonderful new experience, a chance to broaden your horizons and to enjoy a new life perspective.  It quickly grabs hold of your heart and gives a quick high of joy and wonder.  But, beware dear reader.  If you allow H.I.M.A.Y. into your life, you wil learn the pain of its precipitous drop from ecstasy to squalor.  Languishing for the good ol’ days and the good ol’ ways.

You see, I’m three years into my H.I.M.A.Y. and ,sure, it has created such a lovely creature as my wonderful daughter

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But with this great gift, comes a lot of anxiety and fear.  Will my daughter grow up with the skill and ability to melt your heartstrings with a warm, buttery southern twang to her diction?  Will she be able to so aptly articulate her feelings with a quaint Southern euphemism that will leave you grining like a mule eating briers?  Will she be slicker’n snot on a doorknob and smart as a whip?  Or will she pronounce the word “pants” as “pints”?  Will she actually be able to enunciate differently, the words “pin” and “pen” or “well” and “whale”.  Oh, how I hope not!  Will my daughter know and enjoy the hilarity of “Sanford and Son?”  Will she be able to keep 4/4 time with a foot tap?  these things keep me awake at night.  I hope and pray, that she will not grow up to….*GASP* mow her yard on Sunday!  Heck, I hope she knows that it’s a yard and not a lawn!  It’s “supper” not “dinner”, you “cut out” the lights and you “carry” folks out to eat.

And what about her old man?  How I long for the warm sweet embrace of fried cornbread chunks in a glass of milk, a warm jelly biscuit, and some daggone fried chicken!  I’m not even sure I could recognize fried chicken anymore unless it has a Colonel’s face on it.  I have to go to my Momma’s house for Sunday lunch just to get some pintos and black eyed peas! 

Do you feel my pain?  Let me, much like Jacob Marley, be an example of the results of walking the fine line that we tread when we flirt with those of the upper Mason-Dixon type.  It is so easy to fall prey to the results of our own accents and the effect they have on those who were doomed by providence to grow up in a frozen wasteland where the “g’s” are pronounced at the end of a gerund and the local high school has a lacrosse team.  Where doors aren’t held open and nary a “sir” or “ma’am” is heard.  Where the frozen ground yields nothing but industrial waste and the rivers are flammable.  They too, are desperate for the joys of the South, but once the claws have found flesh, they are hesitant to let go of the old ways.  The ways of the arctic North, where flannel is worn and the rednecks have snowplows on their trucks. 

Please…Help me, I married a yankee.

Posted by: toddzilla | September 25, 2008

I’ve been tagged…(somebody loves me!)

I have been caught up in an obviously Socialist scheme from a fellow Blogfrican Greg and have been requested to provide the following (against my will, I might add).

1. Tell us eight things about yourself on your blog.
2. When you are done writing these eight things about yourself on your blog, you tag eight people and list their names to do the same thing.
3. Leave them a comment informing them they have been tagged, and to read your blog so they will know they have been tagged and are now “it.”

Well, I have been…brace yourselves… in dire need of blog ideas lately.  So this is actually timely, Marxist though it may seem.  I will gladly attempt the first point, but the last two have already been taken as we have a tight little blog family here and anybody that I could think of has already been tagged.  So here goes…eight things about me (as if anybody really wants to know).

1) I got an email on my work account…from my own email address…that said that I need a larger penis and there are certain pills to help with this.  I am in bad shape because I’m obviously subconsiously sending myself emails about my anatomical inadequacies…OR…I’ve become a spam machine on the interwebs.  Hopefully, its not the latter.

2) Let’s see…8 things….I find the number 8 comforting because my first niece was born on January 24th therefore I do things in groups of four for comfort and eight is double 4, and doubly comforting and yes, I have a touch of the OCD.

3) My daughter is almost 10 months old and she RAWKS!  It makes me feel all tingly inside when she sees me walk in the door and smiles and crawls to me.  She says “Da Da” now too and it drives her mother crazy…tee-hee!  I love it!

4) I love tacos.  I don’t get enough tacos at home.  Somebody donate tacos to the “Give Todd Tacos Foundation”.  Tacos are great, but don’t be messing ‘em up with any vegetables (except for the crunchy corn shell).  Tacos are made of all of the four basic food groups (meat, dairy, veggies, and sauce).   Remember the good ol’ days when there were food food groups and not some dinky food pyramid?  That goes to show you the excessive amount of Egyptian influence on America.  Somebody HAS to stop this!

5) If my Bears can’t do it this year…Then I am all in for the Bills!  I want the Bills to rock the Super Bowl.  Imagine a year where the Cubs and the Bills have a shot at it all.  I’m giddy.

6) I’m a Cubs fan.  Back in my day, North Carolina had no major professional sports…and…WGN on basic cable.  Throw in Shawon Dunston, Ryne Sandberg,  Harry Caray, and impressionable youth and BANG!  an NC Cubs fan.  I refuse to say anything about the playoffs.  We’ll just see how it goes.  Oh, and by the laws of fandom, Shannon is my mortal enemy…apparently.

7) I have two more to do??? Um…I have a terrible short-term memory.  I had to look, just now, to see what underwear I have on (snowflakes).  I’m just glad I have some on!  If I read something, I can remember it waaaay too long, but ask me what I had for supper last night…couldn’t tell you without thinking for a bit (ah, yes it was ham…pigs are wonderful, magical animals).

8) I’m a bit upset about the $700 Billion bailout.  The FED chairman and SEC chief call for immediate relief to solve a problem created by their lack of oversight of shady trading practices.  Meanwhile the executives of these companies, and the aforementioned chairmen will not be held liable, either politically or criminally for their mistakes, that my children will have to pay for.  Lehman Brothers was heavily invested in real estate…in REAL ESTATE.  Who invests in something at the height of an obvious bubble and on top of that does not diversify?  That guy will get a bonus and a golden parachute.  Is this the death bell of investment banking?  Has anyone considered the possibility that internet trading and brokerage firms have rendered investment banking obsolete?  Can we use that $700 Billion to pay off the faulty mortgages?  Give trickle-up economics a try?  How about sending taxpayers stock certificates in the companies whose debt we are about to subsidize.  What really gets me is that some will call for less government regulations of the stock market because of the bailout, when the lack of regulation helped cause this (and the Great Depression) in the first place.  Regulation of trade practices does not equal regulation and hindrance of a free market.  I get a little too worked up over politics/economics.

So there it is.  A little about me.  As always, lemme know what you think in the comments, and feel free to ask my opinion on anything!

Posted by: toddzilla | August 11, 2008

Master-T’s Theatre: The Freestyle French

During the lovely and talented Mrs. Toddzilla’s pregnancy, she was taken by strange and strong urges…ureges for things that those of us with normal hormones would not understand.  Desires so dark and lascivious, that had they become known, would surely be condemned as salacious and indecent.  One of those strange desires was a yearning for corn on the cob.  So strong was this desire that my lovely wife dreamed of it…was seduced by it.  This antagonist, Monsieur Corn, has since sought to use his wiles against her weakened defenses…but to no avail.  Monsieur Corn has spent months in rejected silence…seeking solace for his unrequited efforts to seduce the love of his life.  He has found a new joy…the love of his native land…France and its efforts upon the world stage of the Olympics!  Let us peek in and see how our dastardly, yet lovable paramour is doing…

Monsieur Corn- Ah-shan-tay!  I love zee Oleempics!  Zee comraderie, zee show, zee fi-airworks and zee competeetion!  I love zee Oleempics so much that I am for to showing up in zee stands in my, how u say, Speedos, no?  Oui!  They are so comfortable, yet I am for to being depressed as I have no pocket for my car keys.  Oh well, C’est la vie!  These last several months have been zee deefeecult for moi as I have seen zee love of moi life have zee child of a boorish American slob!  Now she is taken with zee beautiful lil tot…and has no time for a loveeng Frenchman like moiself.  But enough of moi past…I am here to support zee greatest nation on zee Earth…France!  Vive l’France! 

I am for to watcheeng moi fellow Frenchmen as they are about to “smash” zee peeg Americans and their sweemeeng team!  Aw-haw-haw!  To call them a seemeeng team is for to make a, how you say, joke, no?  Look at them…stretching and flexing about…zee Americans take thees too seriously, they have no chance!  Now my countrymen…they know how to be enjoyeeng zee world stage.  <looks over at the French team in Speedos smoking cigarettes and sipping wine poolside>

See there!  That is how you enjoy zee Oleempics!  Spread zee French cultaire!  Show zee world what they meess by, well, by not being zee French like moi! <stands and cheers> Vive L’France!  Oh moi! Moi kernels seem to have come loose from moi Speedo, no?   How embarasseeng! <looks around and sees the crowd staring>  I see you ladeez know a good, um how you say, “set” when you see them, no?  Aw-haw-haw!!  Shall I be to putteeng them back in or do you wish them to stay out so they can, how you say, breath, no? No…Oh, I shall be to putteeng theem back een then.  There, no play today kernels….

Ah! zee race, she begins!  Vive L’France!  Lafeyette! Lafayette! Sweem!  Sweem for your country!  Haw Haw!  Look at zee peeg Americans with their cute lil outfeets that look so uncomfortable.  Wow!  How do zee “leetle Americans” breathe in that tight outfeet?  Hee hee…Know what I mean?  I made zee funny!  Look zee peegs are a full body length behind zee geatest country in zee Earth!  Vive L’France!  Vive L’ Jerry Lewis!  You peeg Americans are for to about to be tasteeng zee foul crepes of defeat, no?  Zee French will be to smashing you just like we predeected!  Oui!  Sweem!  Smash zee Americans!

<watches the U.S. catch up and pass…winning the freestyle relay>

What!?!?! I am for to being appalled!  Thees ees reegged!  Thees competeetion ees reegged!  Zee Americans are to haveeng zee PED’s no?  Peess in zee cup!  Make them for to peess in zee cup!  Now!  Cheatairs!  Cheatairs!  They have defiled zee Oleempic games much like they have defiled zee world with their boorish ways!  Thees….Thees ees l’traveste! <stands and stops long enough to put his kernels back in…then storms out>

Posted by: toddzilla | August 6, 2008

Who’s in charge here?

It has been over a month since my last post.  I should be fired.  So much for the Pulitzer this year.  Please, dear reader, accept my humble apologies.  I took a week-long vacation then followed that up with two intense weeks of catching up on a major project at work and, honestly, that’s the time I do my writing…at work (don’t tell the boss).  That mental stress has sapped my creativity, so I’m hurting for post ideas.  As always lemme know if there’s anything you wanna hear about.

I do have a few Roundup-type ideas banging around my empty head.  Let me spew them forth.

Technology- I’m on the Facebooks now!  I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m on there.  There’s a lot of stuff going on in Facebook land.  Bumperstickers, flare, pokes, and quiz invites.  So if you sent me an invite and I don’t respond, it’s because of ignorance….ignorance on your part for sending me that stuff in the first place.  I was on one night and suddenly this chat window popped up and it was someone from the youth group.  Then I get this wall message and like 5 or 6 friends are sending me requests…I was so hot on the facebooks that my wife was hatin’ because she wasn’t getting that kinda play.  Nawdimesayin’? This lasted for about 24 hours…then the friend requests dried up.  Now my wife is getting friend requests out the ying-yang…and get this…some of them are from old boyfriends/crushes!  I ain’t sweatin’ it cuz I know my loving is the stuff that dreams are made of.  So I’m not worried about my girl.  But isn’t there something, I dunno, iffy about that?

Baseball- How about them Cubbies?  Sweeping a streaking Brewers club to gain a 5-game lead and on the same day…the Red Sox traded ManRam.  Will this be the end of the Red Sox Nation?  It would be fine with me.  Granted, I must give credit where it is due.  Baseball has received a surge in popularity of late and I honestly feel that is due to the Sox winning it all in 2004.  But I’m ready for a new dynasty.  But back to the positive fanship…the Cubs have a solid starting pitching lineup with Harden producing good ERA numbers and hoepfully getting a little more run support.  The relief pitching has been a bit sketchy but Marmol seems to be settling down and hopefully Wood can return to form off the DL.  The infield…the infield has been a beast!  On the field and at the plate with Ramirez putting together clutch hits and Lee delivering power to go with Theriot and DeRosa producing as well.  Combine all that with the revived power of Soriano and a clutch Fukodome…I like!  Let’s see what they can do.  The weak spots are the iffy relief and lack of a true leadoff man.  We’ll see.

Fooh-Baw- Did somebody say something about fooh-baw?  Sweet!  I’m so ready for it.  Ready to sit my lovely daughter on my lap and teach her the harsh brutal truth of the cold reality that is…pulling for NCSU.  It’s good to teach her humility early right?  My crazy off-the-wall pick for BCS glory this year?  Well I want UGA to take it all (well only if NCSU doesn’t surge), but UGA’s schedule is a beast, so I’m picking Florida.  What the hey…

So, yeah, I’m still alive but apparently a lot less funny…thanks for checking in…I’ll come up with something halfway entertaining soon….I hope

Posted by: toddzilla | July 2, 2008

I’m in need of some help/backup here…

I have an issue on my mind that has been bouncing around the conversational walls of the Toddzilla household for a few weeks now.  I need some help with it…actually I need your thoughts and suggestions, dear reader.  I must, however, ask that in order for you to so lovingly and thoughtfully provide you gracious input, you must be of proper age to read a post that includes some graphic wording and references.  I need some help with the proper way to refer to certain parts of anatomy.  So, with that in mind, please in the name of decency do not read this entire post if the mere sight of the words: penis, jimmy, wang, dinky, beans-and-franks, junk, crank, vagina, va-jay-jay, hoo-ha, virgina, virginia, west virginia, west virgina, poonanny, or dolores offend you in any way.  If you can stomach all that, then feel free to read on!  So what is this thing…this “issue” that is rocking the very foundations of my household?  Check it out after the jump (only if you have parental consent)

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Posted by: toddzilla | June 17, 2008

More Feminist Propaganda (Male Workers Unite!)

CNN has an article online where an “expert” shows that women are more likely to be intimate with men who do housework.  Well who’da thunk it?  This is a clear indication to those with the insight to notice (me) that the feminist agenda is slowly infesting our media.  I am more likely to be intimate with a partner who is willing to dress like Wonder Woman and recite lines from “Blazing Saddles”, but it ain’t gonna happen (if you’ll actually consider it though…call me).   With that in mind, do I write an article about it and push it onto CNN’s homepage with an inherent theme of “men, you read this….you should do it!”?  No.  Of course not.  So, let me do a bit of analysis on the article with a little point-counterpoint FireJoeMorgan-style.  Indulge me please…after the jump…

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Posted by: toddzilla | June 16, 2008

First Father’s Day

This, of course is a picture of me and my lovely daughter Layla.

Can you guess who picked out her outfit?  Be prepared for a rambling post that lacks sorely on the “funny”…after the jump…

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Posted by: toddzilla | May 29, 2008

Rachael…I just don’t know you anymore

Believe it or not…I’m actually gonna write about something while it is still relatively, uh relevant.  In case you missed the story here, my former girl on the side Rachael Ray has chosen to align herself with (as Michelle Malkin, the elected representative of America and Christianity in general) “murderous Palestinian jihad”.  I have to agree.

I am a simple man.  I find a few things in life that I enjoy and I cling to them like mad.  There hasn’t been a funny TV show since Sanford and Son.  It’s the end-all, be-all of sitcoms.  I can contact anyone with my trusty rotary phone, so why in blue blazes would I need some new-fangled pushbuttons!  I’m still waiting on Nokia to release a retro dial cellphone, then and only then will I even think about mobile phonery as a means of communication.  Antibiotics!?!  Bah!  Gimme a good ol’ fashioned George Washington-esque blood letting.  Yes, this is my normal attitude and one that included an undying love for Rachael Ray, her luscious curves, orange-handled knives, and her magic cupboard that only contains the ingredients for her current recipe and they are placed in recipial chronological order so that the first ingredients she needs are in the front.  Heck, I even wrote a love poem to her (one where I misspelled her name because I was so blinded by love).  But alas, that ship has sailed.  Things have changed and unlike my affinity for beta VCR’s, I must move past my yearning for all things Rachael Ray.

Granted, it was her stylist that made the fateful decision to place that hateful paisley scarf on her for the ad, but Rachael should have exercised the following logic to know that:

offwhite + black paisley = offwhite+black so when you substitute it into the following equation:

(offwhite+paisley) + (photo/ad) + neck + luscious curves – (drooling Toddzilla) + coffee = traditional Arab male headgear = “murderous Palestinian jihad”

Understand?  Perhaps I can provide some photographic evidence to back the claims up:

Exhibit Luscious A

 

Which equals:

Exhibit jihad B

Got it?  Good.

So who are the losers here?  Well, the children are…they’re always the losers because nobody ever thinks of them, of course throw in the Bills, Pirates, Royals, and NCSU…but after all them, the losers here are all the blue-blooded, blue-collared, God-fearing, salt of the Earth, doughnut- and coffee-buying American public!  That’s who.  Oh, that and my unrequited love for Rachael.  I remember the good ol’ days when the only way to fund terrorism was to ship pallets of cash to Iraq to be conveniently lost.  Yeah….that didn’t bother me and my doughnuts, but now…whenever I buy a Dunkin Donut or coffee…I kill civilians.  Remember that the next time you wanna go to a pinko doughnut stand…Kinda makes you sick doesn’t it.

Rachael…oh how the lovely have fallen.  I….I…I…I just don’t know you anymore. <sniff>.  How could your bubbly personality and tight tops lead you to terrorism?  30-minute anarchy?  What’s next?  Giada wearing a Mussolini helmet while making linguine?  Paula Dean with a “stars and bars” oven mitt?  Will this ever end?  At least I still have Wonder Woman, now that’s an Amazonian American hero!  Sorry Rachael, but my blue-blood will not allow me to buy Dunkin Donuts.

Wait…have you seen her booty when she goes to the magical cupboard?  Aww girl I could never leave you!  Call me!

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